Entertainment
DVD Review: Everything is Everything
By Brian K. White
Jul 17, 2004, 16:07

I've reviewed a fair number of films in my career, but nothing has left me so disappointed as this. As a viewer, I felt deceived, and as a consumer, I felt confused. Maybe it was all the hype in a name like "Everything is Everything", though just as likely it was my half-rack of Red Dog making me cross-eyed. Who can be sure?

The film, produced by Studio 8 Productions, bills itself as a comedy mockumentary. This is hopefully just a compromise between the creative powers and their crack legal team. Hopefully crack indicates their skills rather than their medication of choice, but I doubt it more than highly, if you catch my less-than-subtle pun.

Throughout the film, I often found myself laughing, though I assert it wasn't because it was a comedy so much as because the filmmakers apparently hate real people with all their earthy, real people ways. My laughter could as easily be interpreted as early-onset alcohol poisoning, but that's not the point. From the would-be hillbilly film director Russ Cagle to the crime-fighting Justin Justice to the holiday harmonies churned out by the prolific, national-anthem-rewriting Dale Kernie, I simply know better. These guys aren't characters in a comedy, they're real people and the mockumentery label is a mockery to us, them, and all that we each stand for... respectively.

And confused? Oh my yes. The film's distributor, First Look Rentals shows the official release date as 2004, but Studio 8 has it listed as 2003. Come on guys, which is it? I can't properly review this film without knowing whether to call it the Greatest Film Injustice of 2003 or 2004!

The soundtrack is spectacularly loaded with original music, which is no surprise considering Studio 8 has already produced many albums for various artists. Furthermore, the DVD is uncommonly full-featured, which won't surprise anyone who knows their professional reputation. Still, the deception of the suggestion that it's less than completely factual still leaves me nauseous. Again, critics may counter that it's the beer talking, even backing up into my esophagus a bit, but it just ain't so.

Let's clear the air a bit, star by gleaming star. The first character introduced to us is Russell Cagle, an aspiring documentarian eager to make sharks attack boats (a noble cause indeed) who understands that you have to start somewhere humble, with things you know...or at least would like to know but don't know yet. He's an honest man, to the camera if not to his ladies, shooting a documentary about Abraham Lincoln (played by up-and-coming star actor and illegal immigrant Ron Rico), yet the producers of “Everything is Everything” portray him as a bungling fool. Maybe it's 'bumbling', but in either case it's heartbreaking. Okay, he knows nothing about Lincoln’s life, but James Cameron knew nothing about terminator robots from the future before shooting his documentary about the impending Judgment Day. People learn through experience, yet these guys portray Mr. Cagle as a bumpkinny boob who mooches off his family and a series of hot, inbred women. Why? Because the people at Studio 8 are a bunch of bastards.

Next we'll discuss Dale Kernie. I'm not gay or anything, but that dude takes his bad hair, warbly-crackling voice, and artistic sensitivity and packages it into the most masculine fanny-pack a straight man could ever wear. Anyone could change the world if they could sing on tape like they sing in the shower. Dale learned this from Barney Rubble and actually brought the studio to the bathroom. Hokey? Hell yes, but don't let the stench of digested jambalaya and Ajax cloud your mind, this is pure genius at work.

Dale has the heart to sing about holidays most of us don't even buy cards for. Maybe it's laughable to some that his aunt designs his wardrobe and thinks he's still twelve. Maybe his aspirations are overly grand to think his music can change the world, but is it? He's changed my world and I still insist that I'm not gay. But the people at Studio 8 are.

Then we come to Justin Justice. Maybe his contract demanded that they pretend he's not real, but I think all the while they just jerked his chain along the long and lonesome road of abject mockery. His chain, like our chains, have been jerked good and hard with nary a drop of KY in sight. To take a famous underground hero and advocate for the people and make him out as an eccentric disappointment to his mother is no less than a slap to the face to freedom-lovers across this great land. Of course his mom thinks he's a big zero; she can't be allowed to know the truth. To do so would make her an easy target for any number of crime syndicates and super villains.

Justin Justice is listed by the Baton Rouge Council for Tourism as the third bullet-point of reasons to visit that historic town. Being listed just beneath "less dangerous than Detroit" and "why not?" seems irrelevant since much hilarity is enjoyed at his expense. I pray he's as patient and forgiving in real life as he is in film. If it was me in baggy pants and a snug skullcap, I'd take my war on crime to a city less inclined to make a joke of it, no matter how enjoyable and cheek-cramping that joke may be. The people at Studio 8 should be slowly killed.

If you’re an animal, vegetable or mineral of principal, this is no film for you. But if you're the type who finds the Special Olympics to be the funniest thing since shoving old people into bushes, then go ahead and see it. You people would probably even like it.

Mock my words though, if this film isn't real, then neither is Jerry Springer, and the people on that show are way dumber and slightly better paid for their performances.

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