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Critics Shocked as Kerry Chose Edwards Over Gary Coleman
By Brian K. White
Jul 10, 2004, 16:21

"Finished before he even started," just like so many men these days.

This week democratic presidential candidate John Kerry, (AKA Frankenstein, AKA Snow Miser) shocked critics, pundits, tabloid journalists and daytime talk show hosts alike by selecting Senator John Edwards as his running mate over famed former child actor, Gary Coleman.

Political analysts warned that a surprise nomination like this could be in the works, citing past running-mate surprises as Al Gore, Geraldine Ferraro and Spiro Agnew, whose name is clearly an anagram for "grow a penis". Still the shock waves reverberated throughout the nation and even into Hollywood, where few citizens are even aware that presidents are not chosen by bloodline.

Coleman, a former candidate for California governor, was widely believed to be the top pick due to his broad public appeal among voters, as well as his clear ability to avoid assassination due to his convenient 3-foot, eleven-inch stature.

Coleman was at home with celebrity friends and family members when the much anticipated call came in. Action star Bruce Willis unfortunately had to break the news that John Edwards had been chosen. Gary Coleman was understandable stunned and had to ask Mr. Willis what he was indeed talkin' 'bout. The hearkening back to his days of childhood fame when he acted alongside that bank robbing Dana Plato whore was a welcome tension breaking to those in attendance, but ultimately the celebratory cigars had to be recollected.

Down but not out, Coleman accepts that he was not chosen. Guests in attendance remained committed to having a good time.

"Damn it, doesn't it just figure?" offered an exasperated Coleman. "I've been doing public service announcements for 25 years, everything from 'immunize your kids' to 'stop spreading the clap.' Edwards is a good candidate I suppose but he just doesn't command the same kind of respect I do. What fat lady do I have to punch in the eye to get a political job around here?"

Mr. Coleman will be returning to his job as a greeter at Chuck E. Cheese where, it is hoped, his many fans will appreciate his star power, and a nomination can be earned. If not for political office, at least for employee of the month.

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