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Disneyland Unsuitable for Children
By Daniel H. Blazejewski
Dec 17, 2004, 11:17

When taken as a whole, Mr. Toad’s mural (located in the line queue area) is explanatory and whimsical.

Disneyland’s “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride” is bad for children. It promotes delinquent behavior, speciest stereotypes, and demonstrates a contempt for the law unmatched in any of Disney’s other children’s rides, with the possible exception of Pirates of the Caribbean.

You begin your journey by stepping into an English automobile with no seat belt nor airbag. You can tell it's English, as the steering wheel is on the wrong side. You then immediately begin a rampage through Toad Hall, down through London, across the docks, through a hall of justice – all the while nearly running down peace officers – eventually driving your vehicle at high speed through a devil-ridden "hell" before returning to the land of the living and the end of the ride. Do these sound like things that teach lessons you want your children to learn?

Expalin this. Upon closer inspection, exactly who is the judge addressing, because it looks to me like he’s talking to the horse’s ass!

"Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride" is not the only offender, simply the most egregious. The Indiana Jones Adventure through the Temple of the Forbidden Eye straps you into an overloaded Jeep-like vehicle which proceeds to recklessly tear through the priceless ruins of a recently discovered temple. Along the way, you have to deal with murderous natives, hordes of insects, dart spitooning walls, and a cavern complete with gigantic snake, fireballs and "over a thousand" miniature human skulls. Yeah, when your kids stop screaming, try explaining those shrunken noggins of voodoo delight to them.

On the tamer side of the evil park, Pirates of the Caribbean begins in a sleepy Louisiana bayou (promoting more stereotypes) only to be suddenly plunged into utter darkness and taken four stories below ground. You then proceed past a pile of gold and no fewer than seven sets of skeletal remains, as surely Disney executives will tell you the little ones love that.

Soon you'll find yourself in the midst of a heated artillery battle between a pirate ship and a Spanish fort, the sort of thing that may only claim a fifty percent mortality rate among gleeful participants.

Next, Pirates of the Caribbean floats you through several scenes of a town being plundered, including one where the pirate captain is auctioning off wenches of various spoil to his presumably jerk-weary crew. If you don't care to explain to your kids why rum-stinking pirates fight over pretty wenches, just move on to or the black magic of rides derived from any of Disney's blockbuster films. Suddenly the drunken birds and the port-whoring bees seem pretty tame, don't they?

Most of the attractions at Disneyland are like these, to one degree or another, and critics and child-rearing experts alike agree it's simply no place to take a child.

When reached for comment, Disneyland spokesman Todd Meyers had this to say: "Disneyland is the perfect place to bring children. You simply have to remember that most of the park was completed circa 1955 when behavior of this nature was commonplace, accepted and integral to one's education in the ways of the world," and added, "our slogan says it all, this is the happiest place on earth."

Happy once meant gay, and as a thousand young boys looking up to Michael Jackson will attest, this place is as "happy" as Liberace in the front row of Seigried and Roy's on free promo banana night. More accurately, it's a thousand acres of demonic and homosexual themes more blatant than those in the Peter Pan ride, which, though crappy, still has a fifteen minute wait even on a quiet night.

While Disney has been progessive in their extension of rights to couples in civil unions, the entire park begs the question, is it really such a small world after all?

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