Biz News
Coca-Cola C2, the Wrath of Can
By Brian K. White
Oct 7, 2004, 04:27

Even genetically engineered tyrants of the future are finding C2 difficult to swallow.

Alright, if you corporate-type guys have enough faith in your product to spend millions of dollars deluging me with commercials, I guess I can at least try a can of your goods. Just, please – don’t let this be another travesty like Vanilla Coke.

Wait – I’m stronger than that. Aren’t I? At first I held off, but the sheer scale of the inundation of advertisements wasn’t enough for you, you also had to throw in the coercion of only putting it “on sale,” with regular Coke at twice the price. That was all very irritating, and so I bought Mountain Dew instead. Ah-hah! Damn the man in favor of the other man, you feeling me? I came, I saw, I conquered your bloated advertising machine. So what finally lured me to a taste of C2? Peer pressure. Specifically, when my brother-in-law asked, “Hey, want one?” How could I decline?

The, “All the Coke taste with half the Coke calories,” statement turns out to be somewhat inaccurate. More like, “Half the taste and a dubious caloric reduction.” It literally tastes like a cross between diet and regular, mixed half and half. Yet, come to think of it, it seems to lack even that “taste value” in favor of something more primal – something that our cave-man ancestors might have imbibed at parties. And where are all of those caloric savings? I didn’t see them. Huh? What? Yeah, that’s right.

If you want half the calories of regular Coke, I suggest drinking half a glass of regular coke. If you’re still thirsty, try drinking some water. Water ain’t half bad, while C2 actually goes beyond “half bad” to at least “three-quarters bad” and possibly even further. Learn from my mistake and don’t try to sit the cola fence. Get your full cola taste with regular Coke, and your half caloric intake by reducing portion size. There’s a war going on here, people, and C2 is a bomb. Not da bomb, mind you, but most certainly a bomb.

As an alternative to any of the Coca-Cola beverages, increasing numbers of people are turning to the drink that always seems to both quench the thirst and possibly cause young women to ‘go wild’ – tequila shots. They’re the new New Coke.

Coca-Cola C2 will surely go the way of New Coke, Jalapeno Coke and the Edsel. It is best forgotten, and truly worthy of a place in history as an example of marketing over quality. A word of advise to all you junior marketing tycoons – make a mark on history if you like, but don’t do it by slapping the world in its collective face. Consider this a valuable lesson in what not to do, and for the love of God, don’t do it again.

In fact, just stop messing with Coke altogether. People already like “Classic” Coke. It’s a best-seller! But what have you gotten when you tried selling New Coke, or Vanilla Coke, or even that lemon stuff that you tried to pawn off on us a couple of years back? Nada. Learn from your mistakes and stick with a product that people actually want to drink.

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