Health
Caffeine Withdrawal Nearing Epidemic Proportions
By J.R. Lafferty
Dec 23, 2008, 08:34

Amherst, MA - A 32-year-old woman was sent to the Amherst Regional Medical Center yesterday afternoon after passing out at the Heartstops Coffee store on Chestnut Street. A spokesperson for the medical center said the patient was resting comfortably after being diagnosed with severe caffeine withdrawal.

Witnesses said that Beverly DiCaffio, a chemistry teacher with the Amherst public school system was acting jittery and complaining about the longer-than-usual line at the popular coffee franchise. Patron Robert Latté was standing in front of her. “She was mumbling to herself, rocking back and forth, and staring at her watch,” Robert said. “Man, she was freaking out.”

Heartstops has issued the following statement: “We deeply regret learning about Ms. DiCaffio’s hospitalization. Tens of thousands of customers visit our stores every day and we have yet to hear of anyone suffering from caffeine withdrawal. We are in touch with the hospital and have sent Ms. DiCaffio a basket of Vanilla Mocha Choka coffee beans along with a year’s supply of morphine.

Dr. Wilhelm Braun of the Massachusetts Addiction Clinic stated, “We are seeing more and more caffeine withdrawal episodes every day. Espresso has taken the place of heroin and cocaine as the drug of choice for the wealthy and middle classes.

At the close of business today, shares of Heartstops stock were up 0.5%.

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