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Bush Loses Debate, Wins Eye-Rolling Contest
By Brian K. White and Daniel H. Blazejewski
Oct 1, 2004, 08:07

Ol’ George screwed the pooch last night, and no one felt that more than First Dog Barney.

Following last night’s presidential debate, all spectators who hadn’t directly contributed to the Bush campaign unanimously declared that he had lost this critical first round. Between the off-topic insults, the double talk, and the insistence that Poland was critical in pursuing the war in Iraq, it seemed that the only thing President Bush managed to come out on top of was the unofficial eye-rolling contest taking place between himself, Sen. John Kerry (D-Ma.) and surprise contestant and moderator, Jim Lehrer.

Before the debate began, it was made abundantly clear to viewers at home what the rules were which had supposedly been established for television broadcasters. One very strict rule was the prohibition of split-screen displays, so that only the current speaker would be visible at any given time. Within minutes, however, this rule was broken, and home viewers watched during Senator Kerry’s remarks as the President scratched his head, shrugged, fell asleep at times, and repeatedly rolled his eyes.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Max Bulgara, a political science student at the University of Delaware. “He [Bush] wasn’t even looking at Kerry. He was rolling his eyes back so bad I thought he was having a seizure. It looked like he wasn’t even listening, and from his responses, I think we can all agree he was not entirely present.”

Greta Van Sustren, on hand for the event, commented stoically, "I counted thirty-seven complete eyerolls in a five minute period. He also had sixteen partials and a host of 'bounce-your-eyes-off-the-ceiling.'"

Former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani was on hand after the debate to announce Bush the clear victor, leading experts to conclude that Giuliani’s cancer has returned and gone straight to his over-combed head. A woman in attendance said of Mr. Giuliani, “I loved him in that Adam Sandler movie, but if he thinks Bush won, well, then I suppose they both ride the short bus.”

In the interest of fair and balanced reporting, it should be noted that Senator Kerry carried the day in the question dodging, monotonous speech, and just plain head-scratching categories. Mr. Lehrer, however, was the clear victor in the astonished jaw-drop competition. All parties are currently petitioning the IOC for acceptance of these contests into the next Olympic Games.


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