Entertainment
Leggo My Eggo or Today Ye Shall Die
By Brian K. White
Aug 15, 2004, 09:28

Above you can see pictured... well, you get the idea.

Quantum Petshop has unveiled their latest travesty on the breakfast bar, Bullets Over Breakfast, a heart-warming tale about a trio of assassins divided over the ultimate toaster waffle. By "ultimate" I rarely mean "the one to end all", but in this case, sadly and happily, I do.

Have you ever grabbed for the last cookie only to find your wife or girlfriend has eaten it (even if you're a woman)? Lordy Jesus, man, I know I have. If you're nothing like me then you know how much you want to smite that selfish bitch for Chip's chocolatey morsels in her mouth without so much as a heads-up. This unique short film attempts to approch that very subject, the desire to kill someone over eating the last of something, and it satisfies my hunger.

Picture if you will a morning. It's not so different from any other morning. You've got your unlit smoke in your mouth, your 9mm in your sleeping hand and a solitary frozen waffle in the toaster. But it's not like the home you and I grew up in until you find out that your two assassin room mates have their sites (get it?) set on 18-cent press o' breakfast. Starting to sound more like home? Sure is for me too.

Director Ryan Foss goes way beyond his call of duty, schedule and budget to bring us as viewers "Bullets Over Breakfast". A truly remarkable short action film that proves you don't need brains to be a killer, hunger to covet a waffle, and most importantly that you don't need a million dollars to destroy a home. The film is a fun watch but in the nearly two-hours of bonus footage you can get an understanding of how a thousand rounds were fired from handguns to shotguns to tommy-guns, without so much as a single live round or even blank being fired. What the??? You kid me, really? Yes, really, I never would have guessed it by the film, but it's all spelled out in the bonus footage.

For that matter, if you are an aspiring filmeure (a faux French word I just made up) you may want to pick this one up just to see what can be done with virtually no budget, and more than that, how it can be done. Believe ye me, the special feature footage covers it in depth.

If you think post-production magic only exists in the state of California or Drunken/Delusional, you haven't seen what time, skill and dedication can do. All you need to see this film is a love of pointless violoence, curiosity of production, or $5-$10 bucks. Watch it, you won't be sorry. Or you will, but I'll be long gone and you'll still be an ungrateful prick.

Bullets Over Breakfast is distributed by First Look Rentals and is currently available for rental or purchase.

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