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Iraq Responds to Bush, “Oh, it’s already BEEN brought!”
By Ari Schulman
Sep 6, 2003, 12:16

"Folks, I already done said it once, tell them it's already BEEN brought. Quote me on that, silly pants, gotta re-electshu watchamacallit comin' up."

Warring countries advised to "resolve it on the dance floor, bitch".

IRAQ – In response to the renewed fighting in the Second Gulf War, Iraqi and American troops this week have shifted fighting to the dance floor, allowing their cheerleading squads settle the dispute with a good-natured dance competition.

The US Army Cheerleading Squad is a top-notch team, which has been the leader of its domain for decades. It is renowned worldwide for its spunk, style, sass, and killer routine that never fails to leave the competition wallowing in the fiery misery of their defeat.

However, despite the previous cheerleading experience of the relatively new US Cheerleading Captain George Bush, the road to glory has not been so easy. This is especially because of revelations that his competitors have in fact stolen his team’s winning moves and equipment, usually with the willing assent of team members. The US team has been having a tougher time than anticipated, scrambling to defeat an enemy it helped create in the first place.

Meanwhile, both the US and the Iraqi teams have been falling victim to the personal rivalries of their zany but lovable leaders, Captains “Generalissimo” George Bush and “Sodom” Saddam Hussein, respectively. The rivalry is deep-rooted, resulting from the tragic and epic failure of Bush’s father to defeat Hussein in the prequel to the current war, and Bush’s feeling of a need to avenge his father.

This personal rivalry between the two team captains has resulted in large amounts of masculine posturing and chest-pumping threats, all of which have caused headaches for the teams, who must follow up on the words of their leaders. Early (less masculine) posturing included complaints by Bush that Hussein “tried to kill my dad.” Later Bush claimed that Saddam “be all up in the American people’s bid’niss” and “best step down ‘less he get hisself broke.”

In recent weeks, Hussein has stepped up the rivalry by inciting his team to use scandalous dance moves that Bush has labeled “dirty,” and sending Bush mocking videotaped admissions that he is behind them. When asked by a spectator if he was going to let Hussein get away with those low-level tactics Bush stepped up, squinting in challenge, and said “Bring ‘em on!” Saddam Hussein stepped up in return and answered, “Oh, you best watch yo’ self, honey, ‘cause it’s already been brought!” “Oh no you didn’t!” replied a livid Bush.” Answered Saddam, “Oh yeah. I went there.”

Intense competition between the rival teams has continued since this exchange, Iraq apparently being quite willing to bring it on. The stakes in the contest are high as the US team struggles to save its rep., Bush continues his quest for vengeance and recognition, and Hussein, backed by the Iraqi team, fights to regain its position. Only one team can win this competition, and only time will tell who that will be, but rest assured that the best moves will win.

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