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Glossy News Endorses Barack Obama for 2008 Presidential Candidacy
By Brian K. White
Feb 9, 2008, 02:19

Brainwashed or soul-cleansed, a debate that may rage for decades. At least she isn't spewing hate-speech, as much as the opponents may speak to the contrary.

Glossy News has long been a political commentary outlet, and has never endorsed a candidate. For this tumultuous season, however, we wish to put forth a tad smidge of interesting assertion, and that is that we will now, for the first time ever, endorse a single candidate officially. That candidate for the presidency of the United States of America is Barack Obama, whose middle name is "Osama", which we only point out as a commentary on the inanity of tabloid webzines like E Online and the lackluster like.

For the 2004 elections, we unofficially endorsed the best candidate, any person whose name was not George W. "Douche Nozzle" Bush, but we failed to do so explicitly. Bush has been an historic president, and his legacy has easily been marked by a number of records.

Records:
- Record degradation of the American reputation the world over
- Record fuel costs for the rich, middle-class and poor/elderly alike
- Record oil company profits, as if by magic
- Record inhumanities in terms of domestic torture and waterboarding
- Record domestic spying, despite that silly "constitution" of our nation, especially in terms of tracking telephone calls and the tracking of web traffic, emails and other, otherwise private matters
- Record government spending
- Record deficit increase
- Record tax cuts to the super rich
- Record devaluing of the US Dollar internationally
- Record defense spending
- Record profits dumped in the no-bid lap of the likes of Halliburton

Barack Obama does not have the most experience of the candidates in the field, but he does embody many critical characteristics his rivals can't match.

Hillary Clinton, despite her experience in proximity to the White House, is an unlikable bitch. There's little doubt that America is ready for a woman president, but she's so embroiled in the wealthy plutocracy of corrupted America that it's difficult to overlook her simple hateability as a generally dislikable person. Sure, we're ready to pick a lady in the office, specifically one as qualified as her, but she's just so generally detestable that it's hard to imagine the rest of the world actually liking her in any way.

Yes, I suggested right there that she might not be liked by the rest of the world, and by extension, I suggested that our reputation as Americans might be somehow important on the world stage.

With that said, it's easy to see why our reputation around the world might be improved by booting out the ridiculocracy of the good old patently white and geriatric boy's club of Monopoly Guys that's so long devalued our credibility among world leaders. Imagine a man of color with a name 180-degrees opposed from the WASP heritage of American politics.

Beats the ass off a robot like Mitt Romney, who is not only an unwelcome extension of everything that's been so long wrong with American politics, but a not-even-Christian to boot. Read up on the tenets of Mormonism if you aren't shaken to the core by a candidate the likes of Mitt Romney, but revel in the joy of knowing he wasted $35 million of his own money in his resounding defeat.

Considerations:
If we're going to talk about appeal, consider this:
- Obama's not white, but he really isn't black.
- He's young, but he isn't quite old, and barely squeaks in within the baby boomer category.
- He's got a storied background, with a few smudges on the record, but no more than the rest of us, and not quite enough to disqualify him from the nation's highest post.
- His celebrity and all, he made under a million last year, and disclosed it all, unlike any and every of his competitors.
- He's a brilliantly dynamic speaker, a quality he's sure to take with him into the realm of discussions with other world leaders.

But let's talk a second about his social policies. He's as socially conscious as any, and as balanced as any other when it comes to discussing matters as complex as international policy or bio-fuel. He's unshakable.

Biggest bone of contention, perhaps, is that he has a legacy of laziness from when he was a young boy. Don't you also have one? Could you relate to someone who never went through such a phase?

The bottom line for Glossy News is that he has been an exciting, dynamic figure who does not represent any of the things that have gotten us into trouble over the past decade. His voting record hasn't gotten him into trouble, the pundits have to dig deep to the gutter to try to find an ounce of discredit, and he's answered every question he's been asked.

To an overpacked house of capacity and beyond, Obama spoke in Seattle with a well received message of the hope of change, even if he did so arm-in-arm with state Governor Christine Gregoire, whose capacity for change can't nearly be rivaled by her desire to stand beside an icon of change... call me cynical if you like, but I'm actually a satirist, and you can't deny it since you're reading this.

If he doesn't take the Democratic nomination, we'll have to give this a very serious reconsideration. I can not say we'll automatically give our support to Clinton in his stead, as she's not quite what we think this nation needs right now. McCain is a highly qualified candidate, and despite his rampant pandering to the evangelical f-sticks in the deep south, his head and heart are in the right place. He's old as hell, but so was Reagan, and all he did was modestly mess up the country, though he did so with best intentions.

Glossy News tells you to go to Barack Obama's site and drop $25 bucks or so in support of the biggest (and perhaps most serious and real) change this nation has ever even imagined. Bush Jr. has so severely destroyed the reputation of this country, and the faith of the voters who put the powers that be in place, that it just feels like we need to pull a change of course as different as humanly possible.

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