Health
The Awful Diet
By Joseph Kelly
Aug 28, 2003, 10:09

Roll over in your fat-lined grave, Dr. Atkins, there's a new diet guru in town and his name is ParallelJoe. His book, titled "The Awful Diet", is sweeping the country faster than bullets through the Hussein brothers.

The "eat all you want - but only from recipes in this book" plan is like no diet ever devised. In an effort to help our rotund readers, as well as the numerous fat-ass Hollywood starlets and super-thick satire groupies that visit us, Glossy News brings you an exclusive list of dishes presented in The Awful Diet:

Hungry? Go ahead, dig in...she hasn't washed herself in a week.

Banana & jalapeno mustard on moldy Wonder Bread sandwich. Coat outside of bread with mayonaisse and leave in sun for 1 hour.

Lard-frosted hard boiled eggs marinated in fresh menstrual fluids.

Rancid hamburger & strawberry shake. Hamburger may be substituted with carp for vegetarians.

Gerbil liver pate chowder. Contact Richard Gere for fresh gerbils.

Curred Bacon Bits & Lucky Charms with curdled milk.

Raw bacon butterscotch pudding with kippers.

Go down on Anna Nicole Smith after she takes a big fat dump.

Go down on Anna Nicole Smith BEFORE she takes a big fat dump.

Lick her armpits, then go down on Anna Nicole Smith while Rosanne Barr is taking a big fat dump...on Anna Nicole Smith.