Top Stories
Al Gore Elected Iraqi President
By Daniel H. Blazejewski
Feb 8, 2005, 07:30

Al Gore attempted to appeal to the Muslim community by growing a beard. Apparently, it worked.

In a surprise move today, the Iraqi people overwhelmingly elected Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States, to be their first democratically elected president. Though not immediately available for comment, Gore was seen sitting in the corner of his Baghdad hotel room twirling his moustache and wringing his hands with glee. It is uncertain whether his election will hold up in what the Iraqis pass of as “a legal system,” as Gore’s name was not actually on the ballot and he is not a citizen of that country. Questions of ballot tampering have been raised.

Mahdi Akwal, a local ass dealer, owner of Mahdi’s Ass World, said, “I’m only saying this to Glossy News, because I know that your organization is fair and impartial. I think that Mr. Gore stole the election. In fact, with his appointment of John Kerry as Minister of Defense, I think it’s clear that Gore has been behind this entire insurgency. Don’t you see it?”

Political Science Professor Latif al-Dossadi of the University of Nasiriyah, commented, “You stupid Americans – don’t you see? It’s so obvious! Al Gore is Osama bin Laden! He just hired some Arabic heroin junkie to make the ‘Osama bin Laden’ videos for him, since he obviously couldn’t make the tapes himself. But it’s been Gore all along! The September 11, 2001 attacks were ‘sour grapes’ for losing your elections. The insurgency has just been in to piss off George W. Bush. This, his grab for the presidency, is just that – a power grab. It’s so transparent!”

Mr. Gore's ad campaign was brutally simple.

Local ass dealer (the other kind) Abida al-bin-Bagheri shouted, “Where’s Hillary? I voted for that whoring bitch and yet I do not see her in office! Can you explain to me why this is?” After we explained that Senator Clinton was also neither a citizen nor on the ballot, al-bin-Bagheri exclaimed, “Why not? She’s as Iraqi as me! I’ve seen her following her husband around in a burka, kneeling to his every command. What? That was an intern? Whoa. I guess Hillary can’t get it done in the bedroom the way a Baghdad prostitute can, huh? Interesting.”

American aid worker Mary Batesola of Charleston, West Virginia, said, “Well, it does seem a little unusual for Al Gore to have been elected Iraqi president, but that’s what’s so wonderful about our American way of life – any idiot can become president!” When informed that, in fact, “any idiot” cannot become president, Mary pursed her upper lip and huffed, “Well then, maybe I just want to move to Iraq!”

When reached for comment, Mr. Gore was most generous with his time. Speaking from his Nashville, Tennessee compound, Mr. Gore said, rather woodenly, “I am so pleased that the Iraqi people have seen fit to elect me their first democratically elected president. I could not be more happy. If you thought that I was going to lord it over you here in America, just wait until you see what I pull in Iraq. Have you ever seen an Iraqi kegger? Neither have I – but we’re both going to. And look out, because here comes ‘Girls Gone Wild: Baghdad.’ Hoo-whee, it’s going to be fun to be an Iraqi for the next four years.”

© Copyright 2002-2004 by GlossyNews.com