Health
Die Fluffy Die
By Jeffrey Tipton
Dec 22, 2005, 10:44

Can you pee in the carpet in heaven?

Santa Rosa, Ca.- Fluffy, a three year old Pomeranian with a congenital heart condition, has been on life support at the Green Hills Animal Hospital for sixteen days, but some are questioning how much longer the dog’s life should be artificially supported. One of those people is Fluffy’s half owner, Jesus Santana. He is asking for the machine to be turned off because he is claiming that’s what Fluffy’s wishes were prior to her loss of consciousness. “Two years ago we were talking and Fluffy told me, in Spanish, that if she were to get sick she wouldn’t want any machines; she would want to go naturally.” Fluffy’s other half owner and Santana’s ex-wife, Maria Soldana, has a different take on the situation, “He (Santana) is running away from his responsibilities again. He is a very cheap and selfish bastard. This is how he handles things: if something bothers him then he just wants to kill it.”

It is, of course, a difficult issue- end of life care for animals- but the real plot thickener here is Santana himself. Jesus is the host of the hit T.V. show “Speak to Me.” Santana, a certified animal hypnotherapist, is well known for his ability to speak to animals and he insists that prolonging Fluffy’s life goes against Fluffy’s wishes. Even though Fluffy is in a coma she has apparently been giving Santana a real earful. Santana claims that last night Fluffy told him that she will bite everyone involved in her care when they get to heaven if they don’t pull the plug now. Santana added, “She is really pissed and concerned that the veterinarian is just trying to milk me for more money because of who I am.” Santana’s lawyers have filed suit to have the care terminated and are seeking monetary damages. They plan to present evidence of Santana channeling Fluffy in court.

Dr. Paul Nguyen, the owner of Green Hills and a native of Vietnam, denies Fluffy and Santana’s claim. He told reporters, “She is a crazy dog. I never liked her or her owners, but it is my job to take care of animals, and I am doing what is best for her.” When asked about Fluffy’s chances for recovery he said, “Well, that depends on how much money these people are willing to spend.”

Rock you bitch, rock!

Several activist groups have also gotten involved in the fight for Fluffy. Cheryl David, a PETA staffer and Soldana’s new roommate, said that they are going to do everything they can to keep Fluffy going, “Fluffy is very important to Maria, she’s like her child. She is so depressed she no longer plays with her pussy, Mr. Giggles. Would you pull the plug on your child? Animals deserve everything that humans do and more.”

But not everyone wants Fluffy to live. Several mail carriers have been gathered outside Green Hills chanting, “Die Fluffy Die.” Fluffy apparently gave them a lot of problems and some suggested that if there is a doggy hell then Fluffy will surely end up there. Darryl Hastings, a Santa Rosa carrier, got bit twice by Fluffy and has nothing but bad will for her, “There could be an accident where the clinic loses power or gets blown up. I’ll take care of Fluffy if she’s not dead in a day.” He then added, “I’m joking, of course.”

Fluffy’s case will be heard in court next week.


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