Health
Clinical Treatment for Christmas Crackpots
By Dan Barash
Dec 23, 2003, 08:00

People who hate Santa represent a new category of mental condition doctors are finally starting to recognize. According to Dr. Roger Kackle of the John Hopkins Seasonal Condition Psychiatric clinic, “Holiday pressure leads to stresses that some people have problems addressing without assistance.” If you think you or a member of your family may suffer from these, it is critical that you seek out a competent mental health professional. Conditions to watch out for include:

Holiday Horror: How can a parent explain a half-naked, gin-soaked St. Nick clad only in "Maidenform Control-Fit for Women"?

Santabashmania
Characterized by a severe antagonism towards Santa Claus and all his manifestations. In severe cases, the sufferer may resort to physical attacks on non-human Santas. Researchers believe the condition is cause by some Santa-induced childhood trauma. A poorly trained or drunken Santa may cause long-term damage to an impressionable young mind.

Calvin Clavinsky of Glendale, CA has suffered from Santabashamania for 4 years. “It started when my neighbor put up a 14' inflatable Santa,” he says. “Something about the leer on its face and the way its beady eyes would follow me when I went down the street just drove me berserk.” Mr. Calvinsky eventually attacked the Santa with a meat cleaver to the crotch, apparently hoping to prevent it from reproducing. “After that,” he says, “I would kick and curse every Santa I saw. I was escorted out of three major malls.” Today he avoids Christmas displays of all kinds, and stays heavily medicated throughout the holidays.

Shopolepsy
Carole Merphlutt was shopping at a suburban mall in December 2002 when she suddenly dropped to the floor and fell into a deep sleep just outside The Gap. Since then she's suffered onset of sleep in multiple holiday shopping situations. “There has been an explosion shopolepsy in the last five years,” says Dr. Dan Goldpinney, Customer Health Director at the American Mallification Institute. It's believed the holiday lights, crowds, and increased stress level cause the brains of shopolepsy sufferers to shut down and go to a “quieter place”.

Some malls are testing SootheBooths, small kiosks that show video loops of tranquil scenes such as waterfalls and crackling fires. “I head right to the SootheBooth when I start to feel dizzy”, says Merphlutt. “Three minutes of the babbling brook and I’m ready to put my credit card to work for another two hours.”

Untreated, Santaphobia can lead to depression, self-loathing and a insatiable desire for "full-bodied elves begging for Christmas cookies".

Carolbuffophobia
Unbeknownst to most Americans, a subculture of naked Christmas carolers has taken root in the last several years. Nude caroling is mostly hidden from the general public, but disaster lurks when the uninitiated accidentally come in contact with these free-spirited singers. In Michigan, Joe Smith got lost during an evening walk in December 2002 and ran into the "Swinging Saginaw Seniors of Saginaw Nude Carolers Club". He no longer goes outside after dark unless blindfolded. “He still won’t tell me what he saw,” says his wife Annie, “but it must have been horrifying.”

While mental health professionals struggle to treat these new conditions, they're encouraged that increased publicity will lead more people to seek treatment. Dr. Kackle at John Hopkins is looking forward to January:

“Stress levels decrease once we get well into the new year, and people can go back to the standard neuroses and sexual deviations they're more comfortable with.”

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