Horoscopes
Dim Sum's Horoscopes, Almanac, and Planting Guide
By Phil Maggitti
Feb 13, 2006, 00:49

Dim Sum

Capricorn (12/22-1/19): In a recurring dream you are set on fire by Paris Hilton. After a group of nuns fails to put the fire out with holy water, a paraplegic oaf saves your life by chugging cans of Fosters and spitting their contents on the fire. The meaning of this dream? That's simple. Half an oaf is better than nuns.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18): The sudden appearance of a Rodney Dangerfield screensaver leads you to suspect that your computer has been infected by the diabolical No Respect virus. Your fears are confirmed when everything you read turns to clichés. That's the way the cookie crumbles, I suppose; but if you play your cards right, at least you won't be crying over spilt milk.

Pisces (2/19-3/20): You think you've met your soulmate during an all-night session in a Pee Wee Herman chat room on the Internet? Before flying to San Francisco for decaf latte and Ecstacy with this individual, ask yourself whether it's someone to revere or just another preternatural smile looking for a toothpaste ad to sink its teeth into.

Aries (3/21-4/19): While waiting on hold to talk to a consultant at the United States Patent and Trademark Office, you overhear a conversation between two high level officials. They're discussing a new weight-reduction drug that eliminates appetite without the usual side effects of dry mouth, flashes of all-consuming rage and shattering paranoia. Your first reaction is to hang up so you won't be tempted to profit from this information. What are you, nuts?

Taurus (4/20-5/20): You are a zircon in the rough, all polyester and half a yard wide. So what? Don't permit your lack of authenticity to become a pink flamingo around your neck. Any dweeb can be genuine. That requires little thought and less concentration. Truly creative people know that their greatest masterpieces are themselves.

Gemini (5/21-6/21): Are you trapped inside the prison of your own gestalt, incapable of seeing a pool of water without pausing to gaze into it raptly? Are you cold, ruthless, unable to relate to anything but your own needs? If so, you should make an effort to get in touch with your feminine side. This is particularly important if you are a woman.

Cancer (6/22-7/22): Although you, like most Cancers, are a born complainer, you should consider the possibility that your present life is a last request from a previous existence. You should also try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Leo (7/23-8/22): Time to start thinking outside the box. If the Lord gives you lemons, why not make filet of sole with a lemon-wedge garnish? If the chickens come home to roost, get out the Shake 'N Bake. Who cares for whom the damn bell tolls anyway? Let the answering machine get it.

Virgo (8/23-9/22): Your volcanic temper becomes cause for concern after you microwave your palm top for failing to boot up quickly enough. A friend convinces you that your best shot for salvation lies in the Smith and Wesson Anger Management Program. Dim Sum thinks you should know that your friend got this bright idea from his dog.

Libra (9/23-10/23): Half your current dilemma — the benign half — is occasioned by the fact that yours is the only inanimate sign of the zodiac. Your other problems stem from a reverse case of attention deficit disorder: People have trouble paying attention to you. A prosthetic runny nose should serve to focus their attention.

Scorpio (10/24-11/21): Your financial prospects are so wretched you could only afford the new George Foreman heavyweight grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's fond of roadkill. Later in the month a 300-pound canary named Junior will raise the specter of duality, adjectives, and the Hegelian dialectic in your mind.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21): Bad news, kid. The world is not your diaper. The wind is in your face; your ruling house is in denial; the road slopes downward to meet you, and your dreams are wearing toe tags. What's more, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are saddling up to go barrel racing on your front lawn.


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