Biz News
Megaman Kills Last Penguin, Tells Capcom to "Kiss Off"
By Jason Lurcott
Nov 25, 2003, 07:33

Megaman. Like Elvis and Michael Jackson, just another victim of celebrity exploitation in the name of Greed.

Citing irreconcilable differences with Capcom, Megaman left his employee ID card on the roof of the corporation’s headquarters this week, leaving one of the most lucrative video game hero careers in history. MegaMan issued the following statement:

"I can't deal with fighting increasingly eccentric bosses in order to pimp out more Megaman crap. If Capcom wants to make another Megaman game, they should come up with a creative idea that will not have me bashing Dashboard Man to the death in order to acquire the power of playing Dashboard Confessional music. I thought I was going to have a career. Instead I‘m typecast as the blue bomber who saves the day every freaking time. I hate life. Stop calling me Megaman. In fact, just stop calling me. I'm throwing my telephone away. Go to hell, people."

Megaman's replacement is unclear at the present time. Candidates include Protoman, Dr.Wily and some fat guy that keeps showing up looking for work. Protoman, the only suitable replacement, would most likely be featured in all new incarnations of the action series. A tentative title could be, "Protoman: Just like Megan, but you're character is red...with hate!". Protoman feels that he could replace Megaman, but not his legacy.

"Unless I break into people's houses at night and put Protoman stickers on top of Megaman's likeness, I'm just going to have to respect it. Now, who wants to get shot first? How about you, the fat old guy who keeps trying to usurp my new job?" Protoman then loaded the fat slob full of whatever he fires from his arm.

No longer will the world see spine-tingling action, as captured in this ultra-high speed photo of Megaman battling an overweight bastard penguin.

It’s fairly certain that the pressure of replacing Megaman has driven Protoman to the brink of insanity, and there’s grave concern for Mustardbot and OnionRingOTron's safety, as they’ll most likely be killed by Protoman. Undoubtedly, the murders will be endorsed by Capcom.

Capcom spokespeople in Wigfield Japan are obviously aggrevated with MegaMan's decision to walk out in the middle of production of Megaman 83: Dr. Wily and Mustardbot. However, production will proceed with the replacement. Capcom is gambling that the people who purchase Megaman 83 will be so moronic they won't notice any difference.

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