Health
Stop Feeding Your Big Fat Face, You Tub Of Lard!
By Johnny Dupe
Nov 13, 2003, 07:30

Oprah at the KFC Liifetime Achievement Awards, where she was honored for eating her 1-millionth bucket of Extra Crispy.

Oprah Winfrey is no stranger to dieting. A self-admitted obsessive weight-loss enthusiast, Oprah's weight has bounced up and down like a hooker on a fat man.

Oprah's "quick-fix" dieting habits are legendary. She's tried the 1 gallon-a-day Juice Diet, the Tenderloin Steak diet, the I'm So Freaking Pathetic I Just Want to Die Diet, and various other with only marginal success, gaining all the weight lost back, and more within a year or less.

Currently, though, Oprah's a much slimmer 150 pounds, as opposed to the 523 pound whale of a woman she was last spring. What's her secret? I spoke to Oprah recently, and she explained how the new diet saved her health and her life.

JD - Oprah, you look like a person that just lost an awful lot of weight- ready to pass out and aching for a candy bar. What's your secret?

OW - It's no secret. I just comsume less calories.

JD - How do you manage that?

OW - Well, they lock me up in a room and starve me for five minutes. Then I'm allowed to eat. Then they throw me in a room for another five minutes. By day's end, I eat about 2 hours less than I normally do.

JD - What do you eat when you're given the chance?

OW - Taco Bell. Anything from Taco Bell.

JD - And that's how you lost weight?

OW - Well, that and the usual FM. Other than that, it was pure determination. I received a heartwarming email from an anonymous source that said, "STOP FEEDING YOUR BIG FAT FACE, YOU TUB OF LARD". To me, it was a sign that perhaps I was a bit plump, and a source of inspiration.

JD - You said "FM". What do you mean by "FM"?

"C'mon, baby! No pain, no gain!" Oprah's tried just about every weight-loss method available, including personal trainers.

OW - Forced vomiting.

JD - Oh.

OW - How the fuck you think people lose weight nowadays? Exercise?

JD - Well, you could stop shovelling mountains of food into your big fat face.

OW - Yeah, like that's gonna happen. How about I have your your sorry, skinny white ass for a snack right now?!

JD - You wish.

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