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Man Sues Ex for "Being a B*tch"
By Brian K. White
May 24, 2003, 13:24

Above: "The happiest day of our whole relationship, and pretty much what it all felt like" explains plaintiff James Conniff.

The small Wichita courtroom was filled to capacity this morning as Terry Summers read the opening arguments against Becky Winger, the accused big bitch.

The plaintiff, James Conniff, is seeking damages in excess of $80,000, nearly half of which is reimbursement for direct losses incurred by their break up last year. Material losses include post break up security staff, his extensive anti-slander campaign, replacement costs of his assorted destroyed property and the return of his Counting Crows CD.

The witness list includes her previous boyfriend testifying via satellite from Ridgeworth Mental Hospital, three waitresses who witnessed "what a bitch she was to him", the editor of the Witchita Daily Press who accidentally ran his autobiographical confession of bestiality she wrote, and his security agent who has taken no fewer than two stray bullets traced back to her.

"I can't believe he's doing this!" exclaimed Ms. Winger. "I don't think this is going to be very healthy for our relationship."

"She's just a bitch dude," Conniff told reporters gathered in front of the courthouse, "Like it's over, so get over it. We're not getting back together so stop calling me, harassing me at my job, cutting my brake lines and telling girls I meet that you and I are married." Conniff was visibly shaking as he made his statement.

Moments later Becky "Big Bitch" Winger made her brief statement saying just "Oh my God, you saw him didn't you? He wants me so bad it's sick. I'm not going to marry him or anything, and I threw away my wish list of baby names like a month ago. But honey, if you're listening, give me a call, I want to tell you the funniest thing I heard today." She then showed reporters her "James so loves me" tattoo.

Bitch's counsel offered an out of court settlement including a formal apology and a pre-nuptial agreement. Mr. Conniff, reportedly, screamed with exasperation and pulled his hair.

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