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"I am a Heterosexual," Merlin Declares
By Michael Doidge
Dec 5, 2007, 03:18

"I am a heterosexual," the Arthurian wizard Merlin declared recently in a press conference. While Merlin maintains that his sudden sexuality-affirming statement has nothing to do with any other wizard (or their sexuality), wizarding experts argue otherwise. They believe that his statement, coming on the heels of several hundreds of years of seclusion following the now infamous "lady in the lake of fire" incident must in some way be tied to another famous wizard's outing.

"Yeah. Again, that whole fire lake thing? My bad," Merlin stated at the press opening. "I put a woman in water and all she got was pruny. I thought I could duplicate that with all the elements. You know, make it my trademark or something. Man, that whole lake of fire thing sure did cost me. And don't even talk about the lake of earth. Archaeologists are still digging around for that one... Sure do wish I remember where I put her. But just because I put women in awkward positions, some of them fatal, does not mean anything. Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I am a heterosexual."

But where the press anxiously anticipated finally hearing the long-silent mage explain the "ladies of earth, wind and fire lakes" debacle, any belief the press held that Merlin's conference was not related to other wizards' sexuality were soon removed by his long explications. "Look," Merlin began. "What other wizards do, whether they Avada Kedavra each other's magic wands into some kind of rigamortis fun time so that they can Cornelihole Fudgepack the crap out of each other is no business of mine. Hey, maybe some of them even like to get a little bit freakier than that and cast Cruciatus Curse to add in a little pain to their pleasure. I wouldn't know. That's not my thing. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it. All I'm saying is that I'm not gay."

Gandalf. The good GRAY wizard.

Despite wizarding experts' castigations that Merlin's pronouncements are "stealing someone else's thunder" and "legacy-conscious, compensating, and littered with paternalism towards gay culture," there are still some experts in the wizarding world who have come to Merlin's defense. Shandril of Myth Drannor, a wizard's understudy stated that "you look at these guys and they all fit a certain profile. They are all at least four hundred years old and never married. They live by themselves. Maybe they have a cat. You know, I can't say I blame the guy. It is easy to assume in this day and age that something was going on there."

One hobbit, who declined to be named and so as not to "tarnish a great wizarding friend's image" refused to identify the wizard of which he was speaking, said that "he was always hanging around the shire. At first it was kind of weird, this normal sized old guy just always hanging around with us, crashing our parties and telling us that our youth and our purity of spirit were greater assets than his command of magic. He even said that one day we would change the fate of the world. I could have sworn he was hitting on us. To be honest, at first we thought he was kind of creepy. Like maybe he was a dude who was into little boys or half-sized men or something. It just turned out he was a friendly and wise old man."

For Merlin, the secret to understanding the magical man is to understand his position. "As a wizard of both immortality and infinite fame, in order to be a sage to men capable of great feats, you must aid in their realization of their true potential through cleverly disguised clues. I'm not gay, and what I'm telling you people is that if you look at my behavior as a wizard, it is clear that I'm not gay. Now if I were gay, would I leave as my gift of ascension and birth-right to future King Arthur a sopping wet half naked hotty in a lake holding a gigantic metal phallus? I don't think so. I think it is pretty clear here that only the most heterosexually oriented of wizards would come up with a plan that heavily laden with male on female innuendo."

Elminster lives among the dainty and overly pretty elves. Think about it.

Among the attendees of Merlin's speech was Lord Manshoon, a "B-list" evil-magi whose constant fire ring protection spell set several seats around him ablaze, and whose easy commingling among an otherwise young (no press member was over sixty, whereas Lord Manshoon is believed to be five hundred and twelve) press audience is indicative of his now faded evil persona. Manshoon, who was greedily taking in the discussion in addition to prepping a fireball with Merlin's name on it, said that "it will be interesting to see how other wizards handle this news. Given our history as recluses, our prominent lifestyles among the dainty and pretty elves, and our fascination with collecting thick wands and pointy hats, I wouldn't be surprised if Merlin is but the first among many wizards who feel an irrepressible desire to affirm their sexuality."

Manshoon then initiated a "wizard duel" which the winner (Merlin) proclaimed was "completely heterosexual in nature. This is what wizards do. We launch fireballs at each other. It doesn't mean anything."

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