Biz News
The Dawning of the Crap Economy
By Joseph Kelly
Jun 24, 2003, 09:10

Whether the new crap economy will finally dig the country out of recession or not is anybody's guess. But the parallels with the dot.com boom are uncanny. Some even think crap could be bigger than the Internet and possibility longer lasting. It certainly smells like it.

Like the dot.com era, the crap economy started slowly. It was begun by a loosely knit group of engineers and satirists who knew they working for the greater good.

"It was almost a religious experience," said William Makeit, known as the :Father of Crap. "I was really P.O.'ed at this jerk city councilman who wanted to pass an ordnance banning dogs, so I just boxed up some crap and mailed it to him." Makeit and engineering buddy Micky Slipem built the first of the now ubiquitous EncasedCrap plaques by pressing a piece of crap between two plates of acrylic and sealing the edges. "It looked real nice," Slipem reminisced. "Even back then we were concerned with style and elegance not just the poop."

Makeit and Slipem formed the first crap economy company, Send in The Crap. Others quickly followed and along with them came an explosion in innovation. Specialized crap shipping companies formed, designers started their own firms to work on innovative presentation methods. Others made grabs for niche markets such as RunnyCrap whose 'Run with THIS!' acrylic boxes sell like hotcakes whenever any Democrat announces they are running for President.

"I'd been tellin' Dora this shit would make us rich. Wish she hadn't run off with the septic tank guy..."

On the supply side, ranchers started their own crap economy businesses. One of the most successful was Christian Gunn, founder of Who Flung Poo.

"We had all these cow pies sitting around so we decided to do something with them," Gunn explains. "They didn't hold up to shipping, so we worked with the University of Montana to develop a clear foam coating that hardens them up enough to ship but not so hard as to cause liability issues when they are flung through an office door."

Not all, however, is nice and smelly in the crap economy. Activist Jeremy Riflin points out to the recent FBI raid on the the Arkansas Crap Heaven supply house, which was shut down for animal abuse. Crap Heaven specialized in supplying premium crap to the rich and famous. All the crap was hand harvested from purebread St. Bernards and boxed in exotic mahogany, teal and marble cases. However, the FBI discovered the dogs were being force-fed steak and Metamucil to increase the crap production. "It was terrible," FBI agent Betty Dont remarked. "The poor things just ate, burped, and crapped all day."

However, Dr. King Fink, chairman of the New Economy Center at Harvard University, says that the benefits far outweigh the costs. "Like any fundamental economic change, the crap economy will have a few piles of do-do in the road, so to speak. But the overall benefit is enormous. Besides, do you want to be known as a obstructionist to this movement?"

Experts disagree on how big the crap economy will get. But right now it's a wild ride out there. And remember, with the crap economy, it truly is better to give than to receive.

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