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Holy Sh*t, it's the Holy Crapper
By Doc Sleaze
Jun 19, 2003, 04:03

When you don't put the seat down, He knows.

Thousands of pilgrims have been flocking to a public toilet in a remote French village, following reports that the face of Christ has miraculously appeared in the limescale in the bottom of one of its toilet bowls.

"It is true, the Saviour's face has appeared in the pan of the crapper in the left hand stall of the gents toilets - no matter how much toilet cleaner or bleach you put down there, or how hard you scrub, it always miraculously reappears once the toilet has been flushed," reveals Jacques Coullions, who has been the attendant at the Rennes-le-Chateau public lavatory for over thirty years.

Even before the appearance of Christ's face, the toilets had something of a reputation, according to villagers. "Many people have reported after using that particular stall, that it was the best crap they'd ever had - never before had they felt so content and at peace after evacuating their bowels," comments Pierre Foutre, a local shopkeeper. "Apparently they never have to strain to get it out - it just slides out exquisitely and so cleanly that they do not even have to use toilet paper - truly a miracle!"

"Many believe that it has healing powers - my own chronic constipation, for example, was completely cured after I sat on the sacred toilet," says Coullions. "Many others have claimed that their piles, haemorrhoids and other rectal infections have been completely cured after baring their arses to the Saviour. I've even heard of extreme cases of blind people kneeling before the toilet and bathing their eyes in its water in the hope of a cure!" Indeed, a cult is rapidly building up around the toilet, with the holy cubicle becoming something of a shrine - a crucifix and burning candles placed atop the cistern and a picture of the blessed virgin and child adorning the wall above it. However, Coullions believes that the whole business could be getting out of hand. "There are now so many pilgrims in here that it is becoming impossible for genuine visitors to the village to avail themselves of the facilities here - they're resorting to pissing against the outside walls and crapping in people's gardens instead. It's becoming a serious problem," he says. "It's got to the stage that the cultists are even holding services in here, all kneeling down in front of the toilet chanting the Lord's Prayer or singing hymns whilst one of their priests takes a holy dump in it! The whole thing climaxes when he flushes the crapper and they all shout 'Hallelujah!' They're even baptising babies using the toilet as a font - that can't be hygienic!" Some of these so-called priests have even taken to bottling water from the toilet as it flushes and selling it to pilgrims as holy water with curative properties. "People are drinking the stuff to cure internal ills, rubbing it into open wounds, and God only knows what else," reveals a disgusted Coullions.

Oh my God! Is this a miracle or just Jesus goofing with his frat buddies?

According to Couillions there have been further miraculous happenings in the village. "Back in 1823 the effigy of the crucified Christ hanging over the church altar was seen to urinate. At first it was just a trickle of yellowish liquid from his groin, then it became a continuous golden stream, which went on for over an hour. The priest tried collecting it in a bucket, believing it to have healing powers. However, when it was drunk by several local sick children, their conditions became far worse and at least one died. There was quite a furor when the priest said it was a judgement from God and that they must have been evil - he was run out of town by a mob," recalls the septuagenarian toilet attendant.

"Nevertheless, it renewed interest in the area amongst the faithful and the pilgrims who came to the church in hundreds were financially very good for the village over the next few years! In 1923 a group of young village men - including my own grandfather - claimed to have seen the effigy of Christ actually climb down from his cross, stride outside, drop his loincloth and take a huge crap (coincidentally on roughly the spot now occupied by the toilet). He then wiped his arse on the end of the loincloth, did it back up and returned to his usual position in the church! My great grandfather and his friends consequently did very well charging pilgrims a franc a time to view a large pile of steaming flyblown crap in a field. For two francs they even let the fools roll around in it to cure their skin diseases. Like I said, it was very good business for the village!"


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