Image transposed directly from my pornographic memory.
Hollywood - Brad Pitt has aknowleged that his "seven years in T'Bitch" has officially ended. With both Pitt and his A-list ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston back on the dating scene, surveys have shown that instances of fan masturbation are reaching new highs, indeed, bordering on epidemic.
Martha Godwin of Great Plains, South Dakota, told Glossy News that she's "been withholding using Brad [Pitt] as a double-click fantasy man for a very long time. Now that he's back on the market I'm heading to Suncoast video to buy Fight Club. He looked so good in that movie. Six-pack abs, visible hip flexors. That dude will be my partner tonight by proxy."
Mandy Smithers, a closet lesbian in the 200-resident town of Kettle Falls, Washington said that she'd "always wanted to have a 'dibble' on [Jennifer] Aniston. I watched her fake lipstick bitchiness on Friends for a decade, but never let my waking-style wet dreams wander onto her, not even with those fake nudey pictures on Google, but now it's all up for grabs. Grab the dream, grab the wet dream, grab the imagi-boobies. By jove I'll do it even if only behind the lids of my heavy, closed, manish, butch-dyke eyes."
Pitt's publicist, Cindy Guagenti, falsely suggested that "masturbation levels for both Mrs. Aniston and Mr. Pitt-Aniston have been steadily increasing over the past decade. To suggest that fans' self-gratification levels spawned by the fantasy of my client has increased since the termination of their marriage is crazy, ridiculous, and oddly misguided, no matter how curiously intriguing it may be, even to me, even right now, even as I'm looking off into the distance," adding, "and hot too, it's kind of that a bit, sure, very hot."
Ms. Guagenti post-poned the promised question and answer session, excusing herself to the ladies' room with great haste.
Hollywood is not unanimous in these claims of bridled masturabtory fantasy. Angelina Jolie, noted actress and trophy wife of non-masturbation-worthy film icon Billy Bob Thornton, suggested that "their split has certainly done a lot for my own self-gratification," adding, "I might have even made a telephone tape or two for posterity."
Damon no-last-name, a self-proclaimed "life-long fan" and theater student from Seattle's Cornish College of the Arts, said he "never expected this to happen," and says that he is now faced with the dilemma of "which of the two I should masturbate to first?"
As if fantabation isn't enough, I've gone to tremendous lengths to create visual aids, such as this, to assist me in the non-Pitt half of my self-man-handlery.
