These people are not athletes and they are not entertaining
CAIRO, Egypt – Osama bin Laden vowed to never watch the Winter Olympics again and said that ‘American Idol’ was far more enjoyable in an audiotape released by Al-Jazeera today.
In the tape aired on the Arabic news channel, bin Laden chastised the quadrennial Winter games being held in Turin, Italy, but also praised the ‘American Idol’ franchise for its entertainment value.
Apparently bin Laden, a lifelong fan of figure skating, was extremely upset by the inordinate number of falls (4) in last night's Figure Skating Ice Dancing event.
“Last night I saw ice dancing teams falling all over the place, making fools of themselves, and disgracing the time-honored sport of figure skating,” said bin Laden. “These people are not athletes, and they are not entertaining.”
Al-Jazeera frequently releases new tapes from bin Laden and other al-Qaeda leaders, commenting on what’s current, to help remind the world that they are indeed still alive and somehow watching American TV.
“I have sworn to never watch the Winter Olympics again. I don’t want to watch mediocrity where there should be excellence,” bin Laden said, in the 46 minute, 27-second tape. “On the other hand, ‘American Idol’ is as good as ever. Now there’s a show I can always get into.”
Bin Laden further expounded on the virtues of ‘Idol’ while denigrating the Winter Olympics.
"The quest to find the next big American pop star is still going, thank God, despite all the scandals which have rocked the show,” said bin Laden. “Unlike the Olympics judges, Simon Cowell demands nothing short of the best from the contestants. I like to mimic his style when I’m counseling would-be suicide bombers.”
“May ‘American Idol’ last a thousand years,” said bin Laden before quickly adding, “ahem…death to America.”
Bin Laden also downplayed Bush administration gloating over the seven Gold medals the United States has won so far.
“The Americans should rejoice that there is no ice in Afghanistan,” said bin Laden. “For if there were, there would be no event in which our brave Mujahadeen soldiers would not take the Gold.”
The last audiotape purported to be from bin Laden was broadcast yesterday by Al-Jazeera. In that recording, he ridiculed the previous night’s ‘Saturday Night Live’ and called for an end to the long-running comedy skit show.
U.S. intelligence officials confirmed that today’s tape was of bin Laden, making it his 117th message within the last year.
