Wow, does this costume say dead ringer or lame duck?
At thousands of Wal-Marts and Spencer's Gifts stores across the country, millions of the nation's children are begging their parents to let them dress up as Osama bin Laden or an Iraqi insurgent. Parents are concerned but sympathetic, understanding that the bearded maniac is, in fact, on a certain level, "one scary dude."
“Mommy, Mommy, I want to be a raghead insurgent bastard!”
“What? Where did you hear such awful language?”
“Daddy.”
“Oh… well, why do you want to be an insurgent, sweetheart? How about Batman instead?”
Scenes like this are played out thousands of times a day in Wal-Marts throughout North America. Apparently the scariest Halloween costumes, as viewed by both children and adults alike, are the rag-tag pseudo-uniforms of Iraqi insurgents. Especially popular with adults is the Osama bin Laden Beard and Robes Set (exclusively at Wal-Mart).
“I don’t know, I just wanted something that said, ‘Scary, heartless bastard,’” explained Jerome Flowers of Spokane, Washington. “I even ‘kicked it up a notch’ by buying an obsolete dialysis machine on eBay to drag along behind me. I just know I'm going to win my company’s costume party.”
Wal-Mart spokesman Earl Chivers commented, “Personally, I think it’s obscene – obscene the amount of money we’re making off of the war this Halloween! We’re making more money than God and only slightly less than Halliburton. Osama beards, insurgent scimitars, replica AK-47s and looted relics are all selling way beyond our projections. Sweatshops can’t turn ‘em out fast enough.”
Dr. James Masterson, Professor of Anthropology at Pepperdine University in Malibu, California, explains, “It’s not at all uncommon for children to want to play the part of the bad guy, because that’s who everyone is reacting to. Take Star Wars, for example – everyone wanted to be Darth Vader. Of course, I went as C-3PO, because he was cool.”
Only slightly less popular is the "Saudi Chic" costume, and a word to dumbasses, that's not pronounced "chick".
President George W. Bush commented from the campaign trail, “Well, sure, it’s a free country the last time I legislated it, so people can wear whatever the hell damn costume they want for Halloween. Just don’t be surprised if law enforcement officials ‘accidentally’ pick you up, throw you in the slammer, hold you there without so much as a picture of a telephone for a good couple years.” He quickly added, “Vote Bush.”
President Bush won't tell you what costume to wear or not wear any more than he tells the NAACP what they can talk about... of course, last time they spoke out against Bush they got flagged for an IRS audit. Now if only we could find a costume combining the tax man and the insurgent, why there we'd find some terror indeed.
Glossy News caught up to Osama bin Laden at a lavish resort on the French Riviera. “Me? Frightening?” asked Osama. “How about ‘Scary Kerry?’ The man looks like a walking corpse, I shit you not.”
