Ashley Olsen, long famous for her critical role in the Olsen Twins duo, has a new blockbuster among broadband Internet aficionados best known for downloading seemingly endless gigabytes of pornography. Less than a week ago, a roughly 8-minute long home video of a ridiculously explicit sexual encounter between Ashley Olsen – or, it might have been Mary Kate, experts are still debating – and New York Minute key grip Andrew Carlson surfaced.
Already the escapade has been downloaded from filesharing networks like Kazaa and Gnutella an estimated - and astonishing - 25.8 million times in these first seven days alone.
The video is poorly shot, as is typical of any Olsen Twins movie, but with surprisingly inferior lighting – surprising only in that it could possibly be inferior. However, it is superior to the Paris Hilton video in that it was not shot with a night vision camera, though experts have suggested that that would have improved the quality of the picture.
Different versions range from a flat three minutes to eight minutes seven seconds in length, depending on the edit, but the star is unmistakably Ashley Olsen – or possibly Mary Kate. It is unclear at this point if the film was shot before or after Miss Olsen's (whichever one it is) 18th birthday, which could render significant legal consequence to anyone viewing it, but the certainty is this: the blossoming young woman in the movie gets mighty freaky!
The unauthorized video shows many adult film staples such as standard vaginal penetration, oral, anal, absurdly excessive foreplay and stilted "dirty talk" dialogue – again befitting the style common to Olsen Twins films. The only notable variation between this allegedly illegal feature and professional adult films is the glaringly absent "money shot" or “pearl necklace” typically manifested in the form of facial, buttock, back, or belly ejaculation. There are a number of bondage-domination sequences and one involving a St. Bernard which we here at GlossyNews will not discuss – or even try to think about – any further.
The possibly tan (it is difficult to be certain due to the aforementioned quality of the lighting), athletic Mr. Carlson could not be reached for comment, due to his newly signed agent requiring a minimum of $10,000 for even an email interview. Questions directed to Dualstar Entertainment reached an even more discouraging dead end, as it seems their business telephone numbers* have since been disconnected.
Web viewers are strongly discouraged from downloading or viewing the various video files until Ms. Olsen's age (whichever one she turns out to be) at the time of filming can be ascertained, as she only came of legal age on June 13 of this year. GlossyNews points out that it is always illegal to spank the monkey while viewing underage women (yes, this includes underage Russian prostitutes).
This may be as close to twin-on-twin female action as the pornographically inclined will get out of the Olsen Twins.
However, as it is inevitable that not only will the ignorant viewers of this possibly felonious video continue to watch it, it is also inevitable that pedophiles will be going crazy to get their sticky hands on this video (excepting Catholic priests, who seem to only like young boys). Critics of the video have expressed disappointment that only one Olsen Twin (whichever one it is) is involved.
Said Internet pornography aficionado Robert Talbot, “I’ve been waiting to see the Olsen Twins get it on for years. Ever since they could talk, really. But this new video is all hetero, with this almost anonymous key grip dude. Where’s the girl-on-girl action that we’ve all been waiting years to see? I’m so bummed… but I guess I’ll just have to make due.”
He then reached for the hand lotion. This reporter noted that only the left side of Mr. Talbot’s keyboard appeared to have been regularly used.
Not to be outdone, pop diva Britney Spears has announced that she plans to release an entire series of poorly-shot sex videos featuring her, her ex-husband, Kevin, and three as-yet-unnamed backup dancers. This would make it the first celebrity orgy video to be “accidentally” released to the media.
The Olsen Twins have as yet made no comment on the upcoming Spears video, though if their penchant for pleasing the public continues forward, we should see much more – much, much bare-naked-body more – of the Twins (or at least one of them) in the future.
* 1-800-OLSEN-2X, 1-800-ASHLEY1, and 1-800-MRY-KATE
