This little girl at Thomas Lake Elementary School in Eagan, Minnesota, has no idea that her future has just been coopted and turned into a nightmare of prostitution and hard labor.
“I ain’t fundin’ it no more,” explained President Bush today in a Rose Garden news conference. Standing before a banner proclaiming, “Skool iz fer loozerz,” the President unveiled a bold new educational plan called, “No Child Left Behind at Recess.” “Recess is where I did most of my learnin’ anyways,” said Bush. The proposed plan cancels all funding for the "three Rs" and instead doubles the number of basket and dodgeballs available to children. Playground apartaus are also upgraded. The country was immediately polarized in its support for the audacious new plan.
Secretary of Education Rod Paige exclaimed, “This is the worst thing to happen to education since the San Francisco Bay Area ‘ebonics’ experiment, biotches! What are our children going to learn on the playground, other than that you’d better be big, or fast, or willing to take a beating, y’know? Hell, I guess it doesn’t really matter, after all, we’re already nearly last in education among developed countries – we might as well shoot for the real bottom of the barrel and drop our literacy rate below that of Myanmar.”
General A. Lackey of the Army Recruiting Command has nothing but praise for President Bush’s new plan. “Studies have shown that as education drops, recruitment rises. We need to put more soldiers on the ground in Iraq, so this may be just the thing that we’ve all been waiting for. I know that I’m excited. There’s nothing more malleable than ‘an army of one’ that can’t read, write, or add a column of two numbers. You say, ‘jump,’ they don’t even stop to ask, ‘how high,’ they just do it. Yeah, that’s what I love about this country. Any idiot can become President. Wait, can I say that about my commander-in-chief? Oh, [expletive deleted] it, he probably won’t even notice.”
Elaine Chao, the President’s Secretary of Labor, explains, “With more and more high-tech jobs being outsourced to countries overseas, we feel that we need to get back into the game of making third-world sweatshop-type products. We certainly don’t need an educated populace for that, so we’re instituting the ‘No Child Left Behind at Recess’ program. We all hope that it will drop test scores below ground level and give us a street-smart populace that we can be proud of.”
If nothing is done to change the law, this is what we may expect from all of our young women - a new generation of the whores of tomorrow, stuck listening to Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears CDs out on the playground at recess.
When reached for comment, obese blowhard Michael Moore stated, “For once, I wholeheartedly applaud the President for his actions. The more people are ignorant of the issues, the more they will buy into the veracity of my witless movies. The more people see my movies, the more money I make, so really, this is a win-win for me.”
However, not everyone is taking this proclamation so readily. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of California issued a proclamation of his own: California is seceding from the Union, barring an immediate change to the education laws. “I will not have the future of the children of Cal-ee-for-nee-uh decided by some hard drinking, coke sniffing, heroin injecting Yale dropout wannabe. So we are seceding from the Union, effective immediately. Hey, we’re the fifth largest economy in the world, what’re you going to do about it? We have an army of Hollywood-type Terminator attack droids ready to defend our borders against any incursion that the United States may wish to make. We will defend ourselves with all means necessary, up to and including using nuclear weapons on American soil. President Bush, you disgust me. I was raised by a father who was a Nazi, and yet I’m ten times brighter than you are. You make me sick.” He then added, “But in case you decide to change your laws – I’ll be back.”
“No Child Left Behind at Recess” is clearly President Bush’s ultimate brainchild, but will it have the stamina to stay the course and actually become law? Who knows, as today’s average modern adult is only mildly more educated than the drooling knuckle-draggers of tomorrow.
