This college student is taking her campaign for "prostitution awareness" to the streets – literally. “I just want to give something back to the community,” says sophomore Gina Roberts, “and this [sex] is what I’m good at. Besides, did you really think they teach anything other than card dealing and prostitution here at UNLV?”
All across America tonight, the cry of, “trick or treat” will be echoing from the mouths of small children and confused college students. In Nevada, unlike the majority of the country, the answer will come back: “trick.” Establishments such as the Bunny Ranch brothel and Mike’s House of Flesh will be offering two-for-one Halloween specials and other similar “freebies” in an attempt to jump-start that sector of the Nevada economy.
It is widely anticipated that nearly all Nevada hookers will turn from turning paid tricks to turning free tricks this holiday. Since the sudden and unexpected closing of the famed Mustang Ranch, whores across the state have been concerned for their jobs. Jenny Mularky, an employee at Phil’s Flesh-o-Mat giggled, “Business has been down recently because guys think they’re gonna, like, catch something or something. I find that insulting. Would they call it ‘the world’s oldest profession’ if it wasn’t noble? My vagina provides a valuable service to this community. I just want to be appreciated for the work that I do. You tell me – where else would drunk losers get laid if I weren’t around to do ‘em?”
“I’m not a whore, I’m a ‘lady of the evening,’” offered Las Vegas prostitute and St. Louis native Lisa Hamil. “Yeah, I’ll be ‘handing’ out free tricks tonight, if you get my drift. [wink wink] My pimp came up to me and said, ‘Yo, biotch, trick or treat?’ I said, ‘Ooh, treat!’ and he smacked me across the face and explained our game plan for tonight. Apparently tonight is mainly advertising and community service.”
Nevada’s prostitute community at large, however, is unsure as to how best to service the young children dressed in costumes. Tina Velasquez, a Reno prostitute, said, in heavily accented English, “I no know how I s’posed to do kids. Do I do kid, or give candy? Do 22-year-old college guy count as kid, or man? But don’t make difference tonight - everybody who want trick get trick, that what pimp said.”
Indeed, the Nevada Department of Public Health estimates that at least one million males will be served tonight by the state’s whore community. The Best Western and Motel 6 hotel chains have reported a historic first – every room in the state has been rented out for Halloween.
Las Vegas mayor Oscar B. Goodman said, “This is highly unusual. It’s common for us to see an increase in drinking and gambling for Halloween revelers. In fact, even a slight increase in whoring is normal. But this is ridiculous – I can’t imagine how many little bastards are going to be conceived tonight. There’s going to be so much free sex handed out that frankly, the Chamber of Commerce is concerned about attendance at our topless reviews tonight.”
Adjutant General Giles E. Vanderhoof of the Nevada National Guard exclaimed, “Oh, sheeyat, this is awesome! I can just totally set my men and women free for the evening, confident in the knowledge that they’re gonna get some. I have to hand it to the prostitutes of this great state – they really know how to raise morale.”
While no one can say what the lasting effects of tonight’s Halloween “tricks” are going to be, one thing is for certain – people who are usually prevented from whoring due to a severe gambling problem will be free to get some tonight.
