Springfield-- Brian K. White, noted contemporary humorist and satirist has been struggling for weeks to find a new angle from which to mock Mary Kate and/or Ashley Olsen. "I've been read by millions," explains White, "but I've been drawing a blank on those disappointing little trollops. I don't think I've lost my edge, I just fear it's all been done."
"Between my photo work on 'Olsen Twins Gone Wild' and 'Kobe Bryant Stars in 'Who Wants to be F'd Real Hard' and the waxing attempts to milk the joke out in 'Olsen Twins Hospitalized with Eating Each Other Disorder. Those strange fetal-alcohol looking tweens have been a real coup to my editorial dictatorship. Other satirists have done the Countdown to Legal (Broken Newz) and Mary-Kate Olsen's Crack-Man computer game, and let's not forget the whole "they can't act" angle which has already been overexploited by their terrible New York Minute movie. What's left?" asks White.
The tabloids turned an alleged eating disorder into an alleged (and disappointingly implausible) coke habit (and without so much as the decency of a satire disclaimer). It seems to fans and critics alike that the fuel to the fire of tongue-in(whichever of eight)-cheeks may be finally spent.
"So where do I go to get back my rash of insults and fake legal threats from Olsen fans?" asks White over a hot mug of Irish Coffee. "Do I pretend Mary-Kate's in a love tryst with Rory Culkin or that Ashley's knocked up with a baby by Sean Connery or Jacko? I've got nothing!"
In no uncertain terms, this satirist has surrendered and conceded defeat.
In a related story, Ashley Olsen has been abducted by aliens, taken up into a cow-filled spaceship where Scott Baio may or may not have given her pink eye... oh, and the accompanying photos are all, like, totally real and stuff.
