This is expected to become the standard shipboard uniform for female enlisted sailors and officers alike.
The U.S. Navy has just passed an order making skirts optional for women. They may now elect to wear either a skirt, or nothing at all, an option which has become very popular among male sailors in the fleet.
“I love it that some of my fellow sailors – at least, the chick ones – can now go bottomless. It’s so much less restricting, you know,” commented one Seaman First Class Lawrence D. Bates. “Those bare legs and little panties showing, I can’t wait for the women to pick up on this new order.”
“It’s an abomination,” commented Admiral Rachel Giverston. “We women have been fighting for equal rights in the Navy since 1908. This order has just dashed decades of progress.”
Captain Tim Richman said, “Well, personally, I’m happy to see skirts made optional for women. We’ve got some real hotties aboard – don’t quote me on that. If they choose to walk around sans skirts, well, it might make it a little easier to ‘welcome them aboard,’ if you know what I mean.”
It is possible that the wording of this order was simply misleading, and actually intended to say that skirts were optional in place of slacks. The Navy at large, however, has chosen to interpret the order in the most sexist way possible.
It is expected that within two short years, this will become the standard uniform for women in the U.S. Navy. For the men of the Navy, those two years can't go by fast enough.
Seaman Miles Cummings was heard to say, “Do you think that all the chick sailors wear thongs? I mean, not all of ‘em, not the fat-assed ones, but the hot ones? Oh, God, you don’t think that Admiral Giverston wears a thong, do you? [shudder] Damn, I’d hate to see that.”
Rumors abound that the next order coming down from headquarters is that Navy blouses will soon become optional, rendering female members of the fleet either totally clothed or nearly naked.
“Oh, that’d be da bomb, son!” exclaimed Seaman Keyshawn Jackson. “Can you dig that? All them chicks runnin’ ‘round the decks in nothin’ but their civvies? Oh, man, now if only SECNAV [Secretary of the Navy] would throw down an order to tell the women to wear their hair down then yes, that would be awesome. That would give men a whole new reason to join the Navy.”
When reached for comment, Seaman Bubbles “Bunny” Patterson of the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan giggled, “This is great! I feel so free! So unrestricted! Now let’s see who gets that promotion to Chief first – one of the men, or one of us girls. Now we can shake it and everyone can see it jiggle.”
“No, wait, this isn’t what we meant at all,” complained Admiral Bert W. Fischer. “It means that you can either wear a skirt or pants as you choose! Oh, this is a disaster. They’re going to take my Navy Cross away, I can feel it.”
If nothing else, this order seems to have largely improved the overall morale of the Navy, even among the women, who are inexplicably happy to be free of the excessively restrictive and anachronistic skirts.
