Welcome, readers, to my humble page, where I, Mr. Mysterio, will reveal to you the secrets that were hitherto known only to me. Bah, this gift, this curse, call it what you will… I share my knowledge freely with you. May you make the most of it.
Aries: March 21 – April 19; You’ll discover that your love life is a mess this month when you contract gonorrhea – and the only person you’ve been sleeping with is your significant other.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20;Duck!
Gemini: May 21 – June 21; This is a season of changes – like that root canal you’ve been putting off forever, you know it's going to hurt.
Cancer: June 22 – July 22; Be careful with money this month and don’t give to any tsunami charities; what’re they going to do, build paper-maché houses?
Leo: July 23 – August 22; This is a bad month to sell your soul. Try waiting until next month, the market looks better.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22; There’s no easy way to say this, but your penis is too small. This is a good month to consider enhancement surgery. (If you have no penis, you’re probably okay.)
Libra: September 23 – October 22; The road of love looks more dangerous than a Fallujah bus ride this month. Consider sandbagging your current position and laying low.
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21; This would be a good month to have that halitosis looked into; sinus surgery may be in your future. Goodbye deviated septum!
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21; Ladies, the spirits say this would be a great month to break into pornography. They also say to send me a copy of your audition tape. Really.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19; So sorry, but this is another bad month to vote for Nader. You guys just can’t catch a break.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18; Your career is about to head in a new direction. Now is the time to stomp into your boss’s office and demand a raise. Let me know how that goes. (Mr. Mysterio can’t see everything.)
Pisces: February 19 – March 20; “Ass-crack.” I don’t know what it means, but that’s what the spirits are telling me. “Ass-crack.” Try looking behind you.
The signs of the Zodiac never lie... heed my words!
