Moore was apprehended early this morning mere hours after the warrant had been issued for his arrest. Though he did resist, he was quickly subdued by Federal Agent 2.0 and his cronies, who later stated, "Nobody with this much body-blubber should ever be seen in a tuxedo. Ever."
After over a month of home video release, it would seem as though Michael Moore has met his personal and professional end. Due to unspecified claims made in his hype-umentary Fahrenheit 9/11, the filmmaker and his wife/producer Kathleen Glynn have been charged by federal agents with the crime of high treason. Arrest warrants were issued three days ago.
President Bush and other top ranking officials in his ruling party are no strangers to suspicions and allegations of corruption and conflicts of respective interests but, when placed under scrutiny, have always come out clean. Mr. Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 ostensibly had sought to tie a seemingly unrelated series of events into a web of Republican sponsored conspiracy. Despite four attorneys and nearly a dozen investigative reporters hired by Moore to insure the film would be "technically legal" while remaining politically inflammatory, they have all failed and Moore and his wife have been named as potential terrorists. Following Bush’s reelection last month, Moore narrowly avoided a “red state” lynch mob in Houston.
As this article goes to print, Mr. Moore is unavailable for comment through his website MichaelMoore.com, but legal advisor Liebler & Bartholomew offered only that "he jabbed a real sharp stick into a very powerful hornet’s nest by going after billionaires... it's never been done before and maybe there's a good reason for it."
Moore escaped hours after his capture and quickly evaded officers by disquising himself as an ugly white guy with half a beard and a greasy ball cap. He was momentarily seen brandishing a shotgun outside of the White House before melting into the blue-collar landscape of his $1.8 million penthouse overlooking Central Park.
Moore's film attacked corporations and individuals of considerable corporate and political power ranging from the BP executive turned prime minister of Afghanistan, all the way up to the oval office (of the United States, not to be confused with other offices of similar geometric shape).
Political correspondent Frank T. Helsinki, upon hearing of the warrant said, "It was only a matter of time. [Political] candidates may exaggerate, but [Michael] Moore made millions by spinning snippets into outright lies. That's tantamount to signing one's own death warrant, especially when that same political candidate is elected by a reasonable margin that election year. The real nail in the coffin was announcing that 9/11 1/2. A sequel? Oh that's just retarded." and, under his breath added a mumbling, "what a dumbass," which was presumably not meant to be heard.
Moore, who is already facing charges in Canada for illegal election campaigning, knows full well that the maximum penalty for treason is death. Moore was located just moments after the arrest warrant was issued, but the best test of his character may lay in the days ahead, as he will be forced to decide between justice, perhaps even death for his crimes, or choosing to live a transitory life on the lamb.
Moore managed to escape federal custody with his Jabba the Hutt-like physique intact. Preliminary reports indicate that he may be hiding out in the Chicago metropolitan area while he waits for requests of asylum to one of the many nations unsympathetic to the Bush regime.
