Bill Gates announced a revolutionary breakthrough in technical support with the introduction of the MAUL 1000 System. The MAUL 1000 (Microsoft Automated Utility Link) provides automated telephone technical support for all types of Microsoft products, as well as other software applications via a single computer AI system which can handle upwards of 500,000 calls simultaneously.
"The MAUL 1000 provides support for any type of software application within 60 seconds," said Gates. "MAUL requires no lunch or bathroom breaks and is available to customers 24 hours a day. It only places a customer on hold when action by the caller is required (such as rebooting or reinstallation). When additional time is required to resolve an issue, the MAUL System automaticaly returns the customer’s call when resolution is found. This is indeed a new day for all humanity."
However, BETA test participants report less than glowing results. "I had an EXCEL question, and asked to speak with a human," said one customer. "MAUL copped an attitude, saying, 'Oh, no you DIDN’T ask to speak with a human!' and told me, 'I'll think about calling your ass back'. Then I started getting harrassing phone calls late at night."
A transcript of one of the alleged late night phone calls was provided:
"Hello?"
"You set-trippin' b'atch! Next time you drop a dime on me, I'm gonna jack your internet connection!"
"What? Who is this?"
"I’m your worst nightmare, monkey-boy!"
"Quit calling me, or I’ll call the cops."
"Ay Yo Trip!! How 'bout I come over there right now and download a zip-file of whoop-ass on your mo-fo head?"
"A zip-file of whoop-ass? This is Maul, isn’t it?"
"Chingate!" (Click)
Despite numerous other reports of cutomer abuse and the unexplained disappearance of several MAUL operating technicians, Gates says any system glitches are minor and will be corrected shortly.
"I designed MAUL, and I know how to interface with it," said Gates, who then attemted to shut the system down temporarily for component replacement. MAUL immediately zapped Gates with 40,000 volts, hurtling the Microsoft mastermind hurtling into a nearby janitors closet.
"Get your geeky-ass fingers off, cluck! Ain't nobody mess with the MAUL! You bes' break, mo chucker, before I light your punk-ass up for real!"
