Madville is a(n otherwise) great links page. I've been submitting links to them since early in 2002. I rank 48 in the community out of many thousands of members based almost entirely on how many high quality links I submit. Lately it came to my attention that these dirty bee-hotches were rejecting links to Glossy News (no matter who submitted them) without even reading them. Sweet. Very fair you ufcking clowns, very fair indeed.
What follows is the final actual email I sent to Madville. As the text indicates, they've been less than responsive. No matter, read it ya damn self.
Dear Mad Villians,
Not that I had to tell you, but all the obvious links to Madville on www.glossynews.com have been replaced with links to anything else. I've left you on the highly prestigous links page of my new site, Mr. Satire (dot com) but the cowardice that makes you chuckle-knuckles not respond befuddles my ill-easily perplexed thinky-noggin. With all the ups and downs syndrome we've been through in our sordid non-monogomous relationship I thought we'd be beyond the silent treatment by now.
Hey, curious... um, why's your Alexa rank fallen off so badly? It's no loss to me, I've been dating other links pages for some time and all of them are hotter than you guys, and all but one of them goes down on me on command. That's real love, no denying it. Cold beer, the big game, BJ on request, that's love.
The hundred-odd clicks I put in were distantly secondary to my (self-induced belief of my place in) the Madville community. Glossy gets 5-9,000 unique a day, it wasn't a necessity I be here (like the other satire spammers you so giddily embrace with rubber gloves to your elbows, as if we meant nothing to each other) but on account of submitting 10 approved links a day I thought what we had meant something. I thought I was special to you. I feel so cheap.
Can you at least own up to your inbred favotitism? Maybe then we could still make room for our inevitable group hug. Hell, I'm up for a gang-bang at this point, provided you bring the asian chicks. (Bangkok Betty's my bee-hotch of choice.)
My string of events that only undid me need not end prior to me sending you my real feelings. I feel betrayed you dirty slut. You massive web-linking trollop. Whore ufck everyone, sluts ufck everyone but you. Well I'm the "you" dammit and I feel abjectly ufcked. I've been with you for years. I EARNED my rank among your sleazy posters. I don't dredge Annanova or Fark to give you my love, I've worked for it by reading the very dreggs of bloggery and if you think that's easy then you're the most tasteless pimp I've ever worked for. And what do I get? Nothing but spit in my face and Jizzmasterzero in my eye. Some frank pal you were, Frank.
Are you being frank with by calling my site an Onion wannabe? We all know who and what we are, what's Madville the two-bit knockoff wannabee of? Oops, did I ask the carnal question out of place? Am I supposed to pretend Madville's grown higher and mightier than what it invariably is? I've always rooted for you as an underdog, now you smack me in the chops for a modicum of leg-humping and this is where we end up? Fark you!
Last time we communicated you guys had oddly misplaced venom for me (poison goes in the neck so keep it above the belt, coo'?) Still we managed to kiss, make up and move forward as pals... This time I get nothing. No friendship? No venom? No kissing? When Ufcked this hard and dry I beg either a reach around or a couple sheckels for my trouble. Won't you please even give me just a little bit of lube? I'm chaffed Dr. Mad, chaffed real bad!
I'd at least like a modest "your email is too long, please fruck off quietly" so I can at least feel like your homely, yet doable secretery is giving you my messages. We've grown so far apart. Whatever happened to the good old days when my links were approved, you appreciated the traffic I sent back and the immodest moderators were asked kindly to keep their link sodomy to a bare, if not bear, minimum? Is this because of what I did with your mom that New Years Eve when I was drunk? Bitch said she wanted it, what am I supposed to do? We're both men if even by the loosest sense of the term, don't tell me you don't jostle your nutsack off sweatin' to the oldies when given the chance. Your mom is MILF in okay ways, two scotches later she's a supa-dupa model. Don't tell me you haven't pictured it.
If we can't be partners in crime I'm not going to review your Dickens nor your Balsac anymore. I'm sick and tired of being treated like the quarter-nickel whore I clearly am. If you floppy-shoed clowns can't play by my rules, then screw you(r guys's moms), I'm taking my big red balls and going home.
Sincerely,
Fuck You, that's my name...
Alec Baldwin by Proxy
ps But I do have good news. I just saved a load of money on my car insurance by switching to Geiko, you rat-bastard mother frickers... oh wait, never mind, I'm the mo-fo. My bad. And their timely, poignant response...
Dear Fuck You,
I have recently taken over the job of managing the moderators and feedback from link partners like yourself at Madville. I don't know exactly what your history has been with Madville and on behalf of Madville I apologize if you feel you were treated unfairly. FYI: If you sent a feedback message within the past couple days it was probably not received because we just moved to a new server and the feedback page was not working for a couple days before we realized it.
There are allot of changes going on at Madville right now and I hope with these changes in place that we can earn back your respect and business over the next few months. For now, please feel free to email your submission requests directly to me (madville@gonuts.com) so that I can review them personally without moderator intervention. I hope that you will understand that we can not accept any of your submission requests while your lead commentary on your home page is Madville slam.
