Dresden, Ohio, the official 'Basket Capital of the World', and the home of the famous Longaburger Basket Company, (the premier maker of handmade baskets in the country for collectable baskets, marketed and sold by Independent Sales Associates and home shows,) and travel destination of several thousand basket collectors every year, has overwhelmingly become the number one city for male suicides in the nation.
It seems that men are arriving at the Coaled and Stiff Funeral Home and Crematory on main street in Dresden, making plans for their cremation, and killing themselves in the lobby by taking complementary cyanide tablets.
"It all started about a year ago," stated Richard Stiff, part owner, "A guy came in here after spending several days shopping with his wife, and said to me, in a desperate whisper, ‘Can you end my pain?’" I didn’t know what he was talking about, and I said, 'I’m just a funeral director, I’m not sure how I can help you.' The man asked if he could make arrangements for his death while still alive, and I told him, ‘Yes, we have several plans available’. He made his plans, and then went out into the lobby. Suddenly I heard a gunshot and found him dead on the floor. I called the ambulance, but there was nothing they could do, so they just left him with me and that was that.
"The story got around, and pretty soon guys were coming in every day. We started leaving Cyanide tablets out to reduce the blood stains."
Stiff said that when the wife comes in to find out what happened to her husband, they inform her of the whole story, then present her husband’s ashes inside a wonderful basket-urn that is a one-of-a-kind Longaburger Limited Collector Edition, with an attached Special Designer Personalized Tie-On, and
Limited Edition Lid, any talk of 'anger' and 'pressing charges' are gone.
"It always goes the same way," said Stiff. "The wife comes in, all mad and ready to call the cops, then we give them the remains of their husband, and it's like, ‘I can’t believe you allowed my husband to die like this, then cremate him without me having a say in the matter! This is horrible, it’s outrageo…... Oh…my…GOD! This basket is PRECIOUS!!!! Is this for me? A 'Limited Edition Designer' to boot!?? WOW!"
Mr. Stiff confessed that getting the basket is easier than most people would think. "For any normal man, it’s only a matter of time; for some it may be only a few days, sometimes a week or two, but they all look for a ‘way out’ eventually. Shop after shop of handmade baskets, accessories, designer lids, tie on’s, liners, protectors, big baskets, small baskets, baskets, baskets, baskets….every man has his limit. Gez, I want to blow my brains out just TALKING about it."
Sooner or later, they end up at Coaled and Stiff’s. "They hear about what happens here, and they are thankful for our help. I’m proud of our work here; no man should have to go through what these men do…. We put them out of their misery."
The Coaled and Stiff Funeral home is now looking at other products to offer their clients. "We're very excited about our new product coming out this fall, the ‘Basket Casket TM’. This will revolutionize the funeral industry. Women will love to put their husbands to rest in these beautiful 'Hand-Woven Hubby-Holders to Heaven’. Our preliminary testing is out of sight; wives simply can’t wait for their husband to die!"
Stiff concluded the interview saying, "This is a real win-win situation. We end men’s misery, and the women end up with a wonderful, unique basket. And, from what I understand, they're selling like hotcakes on eBay!"
