"Mom, Dad...I've decided to join a monastery, OK??"
All right missy, you don't have to listen if you don't want to. You can roll your eyes like you always do, just don't expect me to care when you're picking out maternity dresses and wondering if you should breastfeed or spend your allowance on formula. I'm sure your job in the women's department of Wal-Mart will provide all the money that you'll need to raise a happy and healthy child. Maybe after twenty years you can get that trailer you've always dreamed about.
And don't expect your mother and I to help you out. I did my part by teaching you about sex and being sexually responsible. Remember when I showed you that porn flick and told you that the men weren't wearing condoms because the women were taking birth control pills? Wasn't that being a cool dad? Most parents are too uptight to have casual and open conversations about sex with their children, but not me. How many of your friends' dads gave them tips on how to give hummers so you can keep your boyfriend happy and faithful?
All I'm asking is that you let me know if you need birth control. I saw how that player on the soccer team was leering at you during the last game, I'm not stupid. He says he just wants to take you out for ice cream? C'mon! He wants to take you out behind the bowling alley for a sweat-filled slut session! How else would you know this if you didn't have a dad that gave a shit?
PARENTS!! Wild teen debauchery could take place in your own homes. Glossy News recommends total video surveilance and physical restraint. Call today for our teen chastity-wear catalog!
And we haven't even discussed the STD issue! I was just trying to tell you to make sure to carefully inspect your boyfriend's dick before you let him do anything. Syphillus is no small matter, young lady. And stay clear of uncircumcised ones...those anteaters have WAY too many hiding places for jizz-germs.
You think you know everything, huh? Yeah, well, did you know you were the bonus prize for a 20-minute back-seat bumpathon your mother and I had sixteen years ago?
