Thanks to a hearty dousing of creosote, even the pyre appears green in hue, thus reflecting the environmental awareness of the bigots that burn it.
SAN FRANCISCO, Ca. - In what has been dubbed the "green hate" movement, the Klu Klux Klan has unanimously resolved to burn only the most environmentally friendly crosses in an effort to make the world a more beautiful place to hate kikes and negros.
"Our social harmony isn't the only thing being threatened, but our environmental harmony as well," said Thomas Robb, national director of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. "With so many environmentally friendly alternatives to wooden crosses available today, we are proud to excoriate the filth of our nation with an environmentally conscious flare."
With global temperatures rising, record resource consumption, and international pollution concerns, the green movement has transformed itself over the last few decades from a hippie's pipe-dream to a political bargaining chip and mass marketing tool. The KKK is just one of the many hateful, but environmentally conscious organizations to jump on the green bandwagon.
"Our new crosses are made of a natural wax derived from organic material and are composed of 100% renewable resources," said an anonymous, hooded scientist while dusting fresh ash off his sleeve. "Rest assured that when you see that cross lit up on your neighbor's front lawn, that it produces no net increase in the emissions of greenhouse gasses and consumes 75% less resources than burning a wooden cross for the same number of hours."
"That negro has been breathing your air since the day he was born, so there's no sense in polluting what's left of it," continued the white-clad scientist. "With every cross burned we are saying ‘yes' to environmental and social responsibility, and the ash does wonders for the grass."
While most of the KKK operates in small, autonomous groups known as "dens," the environmental initiative stands out a rare unilateral decision. Still, some dens wish to take the initiative a step further by bringing eco-cross burnings to public schools in an effort to "educate and excoriate."
A recent television ad produced by the KKK features an upstanding, white American shedding a single tear when a driver of an ambiguous race throws a heap of garbage onto the nearby pavement. While some critics argue that this ad, as well as the new cross burning initiative, is all part of a larger ploy to shore up public sympathy, the KKK argues that its championing of "green hate" is entirely, though selectively, altruistic.
"What good is a cleansed, white, Christian America if we can't even see the shining faces of our Aryan brothers through all the smog in the air?" asked David Ernest Duke, former Louisiana State Representative and once Grand Wizard of the KKK. "The air we breathe should be clean and pure, just like me."
"The Jews still burn oil for eight straight days on that made-up Kwanzaa they celebrate," continued Duke. "And don't forget that every time they spin a dreidel, thousands of acres of forest land are burned to the ground."
"It should come as no surprise," added Duke, "that environmental and racial pollution go hand in hand."
Independent studies confirm that the eco-cross releases far fewer hazardous air pollutants than firewood, and is currently one of the most environmentally friendly ways to enjoy a hate crime. But if environmental friendliness isn't enough to sway some KKK members, the aesthetic quality of the cross burning is also said to have increased.
"The new crosses light faster, and burn vigorously creating taller, more robust flames throughout the burn," said Don Black, American white nationalist and neo-Nazi. "Specially placed grooves in the crosses allows the internal fuel to ignite resulting in much taller flames, which makes scaring immigrants out of our homeland that much easier."
"Our forebears would be proud," added Black, "and so would Hitler."
The clan meeting at which the eco-cross was introduced was held yesterday in Golden Gate Park, San Francisco, where many crosses were burned, ostensibly for the demonstration purposes. At the meeting, Thomas Robb gave a speech to thousands of members, and several curious Caucasian bystanders.
"When the first Klan was founded in 1865 by our noble ancestors, its stated goal was to restore white supremacy throughout America," said Robb to a cheering crowd of pointy-hatted people. He then went on to reference a statement by Confederate General Nathan Bedford Forrest, first Grand Wizard of the KKK, in saying, "the Klan is being perverted from its original honorable and patriotic purposes, becoming injurious to the environment instead of subservient to the public peace."
When asked why San Francisco was chosen for the location of the largest Klan gathering in over 20 years, Thomas Robb answered, while donning a white hood, that "it's the perfect place because on one hand, San Francisco is one of the most environmentally progressive cities in the world, while on the other, it's a Hell-hole teeming with spooks, gooks, kikes, spiks, fags, and liberals."
"In other words," concluded Robb, "it's the perfect place for us to continue God's work."
