Sen. Kerry (D-Ma.), seen here, knocked himself out cold when he whacked his head on his own podium. Backers immediately blamed Bush for allowing the obviously Islamic-militant podium into the country without safeguards.
Yesterday in Tempe, Arizona, presidential candidate and rigor mortis survivor John Kerry sustained a mild concussion and abrasion to his forehead when he dodged a debate question and hit his giant, melon-like head on the podium. Senator Kerry immediately demanded a fourth Purple Heart.
“This was an injury sustained not in combat in the conventional sense, but rather in what might be referred to as ‘asymmetric warfare,’” monotoned Kerry. “Hell, this headache I’ve got is worse than anything that ever happened in Vietnam, and they gave me three Purple Hearts over there. What do you want from me? A bullet wound? That’ll be the day.”
Moderator Bob Schieffer offered, “Thankfully, the Arizona State University medical staff was on hand to tend to Senator Kerry. But frankly, I still don’t get it. I mean, I asked what I thought was a straightforward question about the economy, and suddenly the senator juked left, spun right, and ducked. That’s when he hit his head. But I swear, for just a second he looked like a white Michael Vick.”
The Purple Heart is awarded to members of the armed forces who are “wounded by an instrument of war in the hands of the enemy.” It is specifically a combat decoration. Experts as still determining whether or not one’s own podium constitutes an “instrument of war.”
President George W. Bush, taking time out of his busy fundraising schedule to be on-hand for the event, stammered, “Well, I ain’t knowin’ nothin’ ‘bout bein’ in combat. But I do know that havin’ work done on your teeth hurts a helluva lot more than that little bonk John suffered. So if I didn’t git no Purple Heart, then he ain’t shouldn’t get no Purple Heart. Frankly, I think I oughta git one o’ them Congressional Medals of Homer for my tooth drillin.’”
In light of Senator Kerry’s unforeseen injury, both parties have agreed to a new 203-page document outlining new rules for future debates (as yet unscheduled). In addition to rules of conduct, the debate agreement decrees that both candidates will wear full football pads and helmets at all times when on camera. Boxing gloves, however, remain optional.
