I can't speak for Cancer but that hot bit o' biatch might give me something terminal... like your hair, by the way. You know they have a shampoo that takes care of that?
At Glossy News, we like to pretend to value diversity almost as much as we like to pretend that horoscopes have any merit whatsoever. In that caring, nurturing way we present to our diverse reader base the Weeping Sorascopes, as translated into jive. Because we value diversity, because all we print is equally false, and because no one is reading this over the holiday weekend. Cheers.
Weepin'so'ascopes Leo, dig dis: (July 23-Aug. What it is, Mama! 22) - You's'll be delighted t'know dat ya' is an 'sellent host. Man! Jive turkey ass mother cracker!
Virgo, dig dis: (Aug. What it is, Mama! 23-Sept. Man! 22) - De blistery seeds ya' sowed gots'ta blossom in vibrant colo's today. Slap mah fro! Invest in ice, dey ain't goin' anywhere fo' some while. You's a penguin lookin mutha.
Libra, dig dis: (Sept. Man! 23-Oct. Man! 23) - You's'll petishun de Nevada Who'in' Commission t'mandate hanky panky scuba suits afta' a most unpleasant aftertaste. Watch out fo' some froball on Dursday. Slap mah fro! Right on!
Sco'pio, dig dis: (Oct. Man! 24-Nov. Man! 21) - When ya' realize dat pain be a signal t'de brain and dat drough meditashun ya' kin trick yo'self t're-route da damn signal as pleasho' man, ya' gots'ta feel de most unbearably 'sruciatin' pleasho' man fum yo' groinal region. 'S coo', bro. You's lucky dog! Smack dat booty and watch it shake!
Sagittarius, dig dis: (Nov. Man! 22-Dec. Co' got d' beat! 21) - You's'll finally grasp de meanin' behind "an ounce uh precaushun be wo'd some pound uh flesh. Lop some boogie."
Caprico'n, dig dis: (Dec. Co' got d' beat! 22-Jan. 'S coo', bro. 19) - De stars strongly advise against tryin' Ambisol t'numb de pain. 'S coo', bro. It's fo' yo' gums only, not meant fo' skin ya' know, so cut me some slack, Jack. BYOTCH!
Aquarius, dig dis: (Jan. 'S coo', bro. 20-Feb. Co' got d' beat! 18) - De stars see yo' pain and dey is havin' quite some laugh upside ya' head right about now, so cut me some slack, Jack.
Pisces, dig dis: (Feb. Co' got d' beat! 19-March 20) - You's'll finally make it waaay down in de histo'y scribblin's dis week as ya' sucka'ally develop several strains uh supuh'-bug fum puh'petually havin' stopped yo' antibiotics two days shy upside and over. Ah be baaad...
Aries, dig dis: (March 21-April 19) - Oh yeah, dat's it, keep scratchin' honey. Slap mah fro! De mo'e ya' scratch, de mo'e it's gonna itch. Lop some boogie.
Taurus, dig dis: (April. 20-May 20) - No, since ya' ax', dey duzn't gots an ointment fo' dat. Man!
Gemini, dig dis: (May 21-June 21) - Yo' Docto' gots'ta fall silent befo'e vomitin'. Why ya' ax'? A'cuz none else be so vile. Vile ah' say. Slap mah fro!
Cancer, dig dis: (June 22-July 22) - Know befo'e it's too late dat it's hard t'get baaaad ointment at 7-11 and da damn Wal-Mart closes in half an hour. Ah be baaad...
