A new California law requires that before engaging in any type of sexual encounter, college students must first sign a legal document to authorize the act or acts to take place and must be witnessed by at least one uninvolved party.
Supporters of the new law claim this will cut down or eliminate ‘date rape’ and spurious sexual assault claims. Opponents state that this will stop young people from engaging in sex entirely.
“My girl and I went out a couple of nights ago and we started French kissing”, said USC student Marty Levin. “But when we got back to my dorm room we had to fill out all this paperwork, find a witness then have the guy watch over us! By the time we were done with the paperwork neither of us was horny anymore!”
“There are more important things in life than being horny and having sex and orgasms”, said Santa Barbara Based Antioch University President Dr. Nancy Leper. “Go to college, establish yourselves with a career and find yourself a suitable spouse who you plan to remain with forever. Then, in order to produce offspring, you can think about having orgasms”.
College senior Sharon Stratalucci agrees with the new law. “I like sex but I don’t want to put his penis in my mouth! My agreement will stipulate no fellatio, no funny positions and plenty of breast sucking and cunnilingus. Wow! This makes me feel powerful!”
“I can deal with it”, said graduate student Jake Halper. “I have lots of documents in my car and a witness who will be there at a moments notice!”
UCLA Freshman Rob Rogers summed it up nicely. “This is so fucking stupid!”