So here's the deal, we at Glossy News totally recognize that not everyone born within the same years requires the same horoscopes, but in this instance we're just choosing not to aknowledge you guys, okay?
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) - Tell your favorite story twice in a row this week. They ignored your feeling the first time, you can ignore theirs the second.
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) - You'll let your young son scream until his voice is gone to teach him a valuable lesson. Besides, if you can tune out that shrill howling, can't everyone else on the cramped thirteen hour red-eye flight?
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) - If you ignore your customers and creditors with renewed diligence, they will stop calling.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) - You'll be surprised to ding out that you are both audible AND visible, though you have no circumstantial evidence to back it up.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) - You will glimpse insight to how it will feel to be elderly and forgotten and earnestly consider visiting your poor staled widower grandpa in the nursing home. This thought will haunt your every second all throughout the entire commercial break of Judge Judy, then pass.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) - Plan on calling the help desk to sit on hold through their lunch break. Rest assured, when they return they will hear nothing you say but tell you to reboot anyhow. That's just what they do. Don't feel all is lost though, ZoJack himself once spent $60 on hold internationally trying to get his lost ticket re-issued… Stupid Air Canada.
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20) - During your wildest lovemaking don't be surprised to find you are the only one awake. Or present for that matter.
Aries: (March 21-April 19) - You will learn that the older people you thought were your friends are not hard of hearing, they just don't like you.
Taurus: (April. 20-May 20) - The voices in your head want out.
Gemini: (May 21-June 21) - Go out in nature and run through the fields, maybe climb a mountain or walk in a forest. Listen to the wind blow and the crickets chirp. This will help you to clarify just how tremendously, incredibly, desperately alone you really are.
Cancer: (June 22-July 22) - I'm sorry, what did you ask?
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22) - Your advice would have only fallen on deaf ears, why don't you think about someone else for a change?
