Ridge announced a new "Terrified Alert" code early today. Status as of noon: 'Shit-Your-Pants' Brown.
With Hurricane Isabel only hours away from a U.S. landfall, Congress today ordered the “immediate evacuation of US congressmen, senators and their drivers” from Washington, D.C.
While such a swift exodus is normally confined to Texas state democrats, legislators from all fifty states coordinated an effective bail-out of their homes and offices in bipartisan cooperation rarely seen on Capitol Hill. Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge, speaking via cell phone to several reporters gathered inside an otherwise empty Capitol building, urged calm and offered assurances to possible disaster victims.
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“We’re doing everything we can to make sure we’re OK,” said Ridge. “Most of the senators have been relocated to safe and strategic locations outside the path of Isabel, and we’ve gotten some great deals from hotels in Las Vegas, Reno and even a few Caribbean resorts. We’re saving taxpayer dollars left and right.”
Ridge said FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency which is now part of Homeland Security, is prepared for any contingency.
“At an emergency meeting very early this morning, I personally talked to all of the East Coast governors along the projected path of the hurricane. We've prepositioned truckloads of supplies in anticipation of need. We've got drugs, women, extended lines of credit...we'll be able to hang on here no matter how bad it gets. I’d like to thank the management of the Bellagio for allowing us to use their executive meeting room during this crisis, as well as the backstage passes to tonight's 'Vegas Vixens Showgirl Review'. It's a big help.”
With most National Guard personnel serving in Iraq, there has been some concern regarding local support forces should the hurricane devastate populated areas. Ridge indicated that FEMA has plans in place to supplement missing Guardsmen.
“This storm is all over TV. CNN will no doubt interview some moron who say’s he’s ‘gonna ride it out’, and The Weather Channel will have some flunky broadcasting live while a 40’ cabin cruiser blows over his head. Somebody’s bound to see it and say, ‘Hey, maybe we oughta go help those people’. Americans helping Americans – God, I love this country!”
