How times have changed. These days, it’s, ‘Prostitute to Score Some, Because He Probably Doesn’t Even Know You’re Doing It Anyway.
Hollywood, CA – Since 2001, the city of Hollywood and the OMDCP have been pushing the “Hugs, Not Drugs,” campaign at a total cost of nearly $18 million as of the last fiscal year. Yet, despite increased vice patrol and several outreach programs, statistics still indicate a sharp increase in “BJs for Crack.”
The “BJs for Crack” program is an unofficial campaign sponsored by neighborhood prostitutes of all races, ranging in age from 15 to 56 (according to police bookings for 2002 and 2003). It has enjoyed continued success believed to be attributed to the euphoria accompanied by both crack cocaine and blowjobs alike.
“The devil put the [crack] pipe to my lips,” said Memphis, a Russian-born prostitute interviewed while wobbling in front of a Circle K, “But God gave me Hugh Grant, so the crack pipe can stay.”
While local area hookers promote “BJs for Crack,” it is important not to overlook other successful programs of mutual satisfaction taking place all over the country. Baltimore, in particular, has been successful with three programs: “Handies for Heroine,” “Poosay for PCP,” and “Suckoff for Speed.” Programs such as “Ecstasy for Ecstasy” and “Vagina for Valium” have been popular in New Orleans, while Salt Lake City has seen a rise in its flagship program, “Go Down for Downers.” Nearby hookers in Provo are competing with, “Go Down for Uppers.” Other notable movements include Miami’s “Shrieks for ‘shrooms”, Boston’s, “Booze for Booty,” and of course, the always popular nationwide program, “Orgies for Opiates.”
Hollywood Chief of Police Albert Waters suggests that, “Expensive billboards and stupid slogans are no match for modern chemistry, an experienced hooker, and a man with an urge.” Chief Waters added, “It’s also great having this constant supply of blow come through here along with a piece of willing ass. Wait, we’re off-record now, right?”
Juanita Chavez, a 22-year-old prostitute, says, “Oh, sure, yeah, ‘Hugs, Not Drugs,’ was doomed from the start. See, we give ‘hugs’ for drugs, and sometimes ‘hugs’ with drugs, but never ‘hugs’ without them, see? Let me tell you - I'll 'hug' your brains out.” Indeed, studies have shown that the majority of prostitution deals are now being paid directly in illicit drugs rather than through a cash transaction. Interestingly, it is primarily street pushers who are feeling the pinch, as sales have dwindled principally to desperate men, completely eliminating the entire “crack whore” market.
In the face of this onslaught, Hollywood, following in the footsteps of other groundbreaking cities, has unveiled a tough new program called, “Hugs, Not Five to Ten for Possession with Intent.”
