We recognize that not all living people born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be... you crotchety old bastard, you!
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22) - Be aware that when you were a kid, all you see around you was still just trees and a grass field.
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) - Youth won't know unless you remind them on the hour that everything once cost a nickel. Everything, bread, milk, girls, the dragon, houses all of it. In fact, why wait for the hour mark, they've probably forgotten already, why don't you go tell them again now?
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) - Think warmly of the time call girls were just poor people rather than the drug addicts they are now.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) - Libra just called you a drug addict and a whore, wasn't it sweet when you could kill a man for less?
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) - Your shame from deception will be cured by seppuku when it's revealed that, though you may have come from Alabama, you have never even owned a banjo.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) - Though you're as old as Steve Perry, if you think you've half as cool, dream on.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) - You will receive a fax, email and cell phone text message finally answering the question of "what ever happened to simpler times".
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20) - You'll realize that these are the good old days, but then you'll promptly be hit by a bus and wish you could die. Those sure were the good old days ya cripple.
Aries: (March 21-April 19) - You'll hear a good old tale of when felacio cost a dollar and you'll smile quietly remembering when it was free and they were just grateful to have something warm in their tummies.
Taurus: (April. 20-May 20) - You know it's time to let it go pappy, but you just can't, can you?
Gemini: (May 21-June 21) - Gemini gets no horoscope this week. It's complicated to explain, but don't you remember how great it was when Gemini used to get horoscopes?
Cancer: (June 22-July 22) - You didn't used to get mugged in this town... whatever happened to that anyway?
