Duct tape, as pictured above, is available in practically unlimited quantities. Chubby teenager not included.
Pittsburgh, PA - Ex-Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge today announced, through the New York auction company Sotheby's, that on August 1-3, 2008, he will hold a personal auction of his sizeable collection of duct tape. The collection is rumored to be close to 365 million rolls in all 25 of the colors available.
When asked why he is downsizing this amazing collection, he said, "Well, I wanted to do two things with my collection. First, as no museum has showed any interest in my passion, I decided that the people of America should have the opportunity to own a piece of terrorism history. Something they can put on the mantel and show to the grandkids. These duct tape rolls can become a fond reminder of our wonderful first decade of the 21st century. Second, I needed to move ahead with my life and I felt it was time to begin to throw off the shackles that have weighed me down over the past few years. I need to be happy with my life and as I get closer to walking my last steps, I want to feel free. Keeping up the payments of this 200,000 sq ft warehouse is going to be a massive drain on my social security paycheck that is coming soon.
Mr. Ridge's collection is not only functional, it is decorative as well. The majority of the rolls is the 60 yard size and come in 1-inch, 2-inch, 3-inch and the popular 4-inch extra large size. Ridge hopes that the most-wanted packs are the patriotic "RED WHITE AND BLUE" duct tape packs He is especially proud of his 35 million pack collection and thinks that these will be snapped up by the VA hospitals, cathedrals and government buildings throughout the land.
These patriotic packs, originally valued at retail for $17.76 (he's so pleased with the patriotic pricing!) on the company's website, are now, after several years of aging in a temperature-controlled warehouse, being offered at auction for the reserve price of $20.08 (a subtle patriotic reference to the year of the sale).
Other patriotic colors available are the 2-inch Olive Drab rolls, for families with sons and daughters in Iraq and Afghanistan; the School Bus Yellow rolls for families with children still in school; and, in a quiet bow to the gay community, the 2-inch Pink Triangle roll which is sure to be snapped up in minutes of being offered at auction.
All of these colors are presented in packages of 10 rolls per color and bidding to begin at the fine aged price of $75 per pack. The original price for these special colors was $5.95 each, $59.95 for 10 rolls. This is a super bargain price for these quasi-antiques which will remain popular for their patriotic colors. Be the first in your neighborhood to tape up your windows with your patriotic messages. Who can resist?
Secretary Ridge is humbly asking that anyone who wants to attend this extraordinary auction in New York City, slated for May 1-3, 2008, send their name and social security number to Sotheby's to register for the event. To prevent this duct tape from falling into the wrong hands, no one will be allowed into the auction premises without an official Sotheby's pass. And rest assured that the social security numbers will be protected from any people who might want them.
Bidders are also advised to ship their own shopping bags to Sotheby's as well, as they will not be allowed to enter with any personal belongings or empty containers, just cash. Companies and other large commodity purchasers are encouraged to register their checking account numbers as well as other information. No credit will be extended, no matter what your affiliation. Those unable to attend the auction will be able to bid both by phone and online at the
