Oh balls in the hand, when will Hillary ever appreciate you?
Secretary of State hopeful Hillary Clinton called today for a nationwide ban on baseball bats. Citing the inherent danger in owning baseball bats, the senator vowed to push legislation through congress confiscating all bats not belonging to professional baseball players hitting over .250.
"Every year hundreds of people are injured by other people smacking them up side the head with baseball bats," said Clinton. "It's very simple. No bats. No bruises."
Reaction was instantaneous from the Major League Baseball Players Association. Donald M. Fehr, Executive Director, stated:"Aren't players who can't hit the Mendoza line discriminated against enough, already? Pitchers in the National League already look silly with a bat. What do you think the reaction will be when they have to walk up to the plate empty-handed? Clinton should reconsider."
A survey conducted by the Bureau of Federal Crime Statistics shows that 28% of domestic violence cases involve irate wives smacking their good-for-nothing husbands with bats after being told that their asses actually do look too fat in the dress they chose to wear that evening.
"I don't know if the non-availability of bats would alleviate the situation," said Emily Wankette, girl internet reporter and expert on just about everything. "It really speaks to the crude, uncaring, callous attitude of men in general."
Inner city gangs, thugs, mafia enforcers, and enraged little league moms have also been known to use bats on their victims.
"It's almost an epidemic," said George Ribbit, spokesperson for Scientists Who Analyze Insignificant Events for Our Own Good. "Baseball bats remind us of clubs on a primitive level and bring out our animal tendencies. It's our natural tendency to want to whack someone on the head. I don't even want to start on the phallic symbolism."
George Brett, former major league ballplayer and executive for the Kansas City Royals was strongly against the legislation. "They'll pry my bat from my cold dead fingers," he vowed.
When asked about the effect of the ban on recreational sports leagues around the country, Ms. Clinton said they should play soccer like civilized people.
Vice-President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.
