Our favorite feature rolls on today as Glossy News continues to put together reviews of the most popular and best selling Halloween Costumes on the scene for this holiday season. A perennial favorite is the “animal” motif, and if you’re anything like me (which polarity alone says you are) you’re a big, big fan of the wild critters, not to mention dressing up like them.
Also, as always it’s important to explain that, while we don’t endorse these costume choices, we do very strongly support their examination and the free exchange of their beauty, emotional invocations and in such cases as it applies, their outright hideousness. Love it, leave it, or write your congressman to make it either illegal or mandatory.
Total Ass – So let’s say you’re a party goer with very few redeeming qualities and you’re interested in hooking up with someone nonetheless. You could mask your flaws by dressing as a druid, reaper, Nixon or burka bomber, but why go that route when your perceived flaws are your very virtues?
Imagine instead for a moment that your thick coat of body hair, your long, horsey snout and foot-long, floppy ears might actually play in to your ability to land a man, and not just any man, one who will accept you for what you truly are; a total jackass.
I don’t mean that in a mean way, I’m just an objective reviewer of the many, fine, popular Halloween costumes this season has to offer. I’m sure you have many fine qualities, but put that all aside for a moment, you don’t need them if you’re going as a jackass.
I know a lot of jackasses in my own personal life, some are racists, other misogynists, others still are just crooks and drug addicts. They have no costume so defensibly secure as yours. Forget about table manners baby, you’re a big-eared, hairy-backed jackass in every literal sense… oh, and did I mention your boobs are showing?
Throughout most of the year these qualities wouldn’t add up very well, as fur on Valentines day should be limited to crushed, red velvet, but on St. Hollows Eve it’s quite another matter. Strut what stuff you do have, forget about social norms, they don’t apply on this night. Six-inch spike heels and a butt like that will make even a mangy mule like you appear, not just “do-able”, but kind of hot.
Oh, also consider some nail polish on them hooves, they aren’t exactly comely. I should know, I’m all about that whole come business, especially when it comes to the ass-ass, ya ass.
In parting the advice I’d recommend is that, if you’re out for a meal ticket or wedding ring, make it known and demand it before you let your new stud mount you.
Slender Cow – Let’s say you’ve always been a moo-fan, I know a lot of people are. I shop the kitschy kitchen crap aisle like the rest of you, and let’s face it, it’s a bovine-heavy aisle and for now good reason. Maybe it’s because leather feels so good to wear, maybe it’s the goofy patches of blackness or the multitudinous nipples they offer at about a finger a piece. I can’t speak for the popularity of the theme, but when it comes to the costume, the vegetarian in me says “I’m back on the beef, baby.”
This picture requires so very, very little explanation. If you were going to go out and take a break from the workaday life on the pasture, I’d hope you’d look like this in your grazing. Of course, I’d also hope it was me that was put out to stud, but I’m just virile that way, what can I say.
But we can’t all be USDA choice cuts of prime, so let’s move our respective T-Bone on to the more likely cow costumes you may don this October 31st.
Proper Cow – It ain’t easy to fake being a cow. First off, it’s unlikely you weight 3,000 pounds and secret enough milk daily to feed a family of five. If you’re in the boat (which your literacy alone swears you are) I’d suggest you consider this more plausible alternative to looking like a cow whilst trick or treating.
Girlfriend pictured here’s got all the necessary cow parts. She’s got the colored patches, the horns, a snout fit for sniffing out the finest grass in the land, the uncommon plethora of milky teats and a thick, sinewy tail that could knock most of us unconscious with a single blow. On the surface one could argue she’s unattractive, but deep inside I just know they’ll be a man, drunk or maybe not.
This costume says that you love cows (and with a look like yours, who wouldn’t?) but also that you mean business. Sure, that business involves the public exposure of no less than four teats simultaneously, but it also says that if you mess with the bull, you get the horns.
If ever there was a true to life aisle of Dr. Moreau you’d be a fine poster child in a getup such as this, and I’d be right there like the hapless visitor to mistake you for human and cow-tip you with the best of them
Out to Pasture – But if you’re cursed, not with hybrid genetic deformities, but rather with the more common maladies of general ugliness, there’s still hope for you. No, your abs and hip flexors don’t compliment the mass of your breasts, but you do have spots and a bell, and that makes you a cow in my book.
Ugly people are likewise encouraged to embrace their inner or outer cows as they see fit, but should be advised that without the spectacle of extra breasts or a tail of heavy cartilage they may appear to be little more than an unattractive man or woman painted to look like an animal famous for weighing an awful lot.
Not saying you can’t dress up as a cow, naked or clothed, just saying that maybe you shouldn’t. This review is designed to highlight popularity, and with that in mind it’s my responsibility to suggest that, dressed as such with so little to back it up, you may not be as popular as you might like.
Crabby McCrabscakes – Nothing says I’m grouchy in the morning and my pubes may leave you infested and itching quite like dressing up as the crab which you truly are.
Nothing says I’ve got an uncrackable exoskeleton but taste as good as I am expensive once you get to my tasty, seafood inside. You look good, you taste good, and if you’re going to be going to a Halloween party where you may be surrounded by unscrupulous men, nothing will protect you as legally and completely as a pair of pre-sharpened, snappy claws.
Also, market rate has Dungeness at $12.99 a pound, so a treat-bearing tricker at 125 pounds would garner a much-deserved $1,623.75, which is $1,768 with tax where I live (and by the looks of it, worth every penny, assuming I could slather it up with butter and a touch of oregano.)
Dalmatian – Amongst the most photographed critters in all the animal kingdom (barring the naked lady) is the Dalmatian dog. It’s a photographic inbred for sure, but what happens when you combine the naked lady with the Dalmatian? You get one hot bitch to stare at, and a naked chick too, so that’s pretty cool, right?
In this first instance we’ve got another of Dr. Moreau’s mutated beasts, in this case an absolute bitch who is pretty, demure, innocent-eyed and adorned with as much tail as one could hope to grab at, even if it is in sodomiac form.
If you’re a peculiar looking lady with floppy, un-clipped ears who is eager to hookup with a hot fireman (and who isn’t?) consider this Dalmatian costume. It says you’re visually appealing, it says you’re purebred, it says you’re half-retarded, and it says you’ll ride a fireman or his big red truck, and it says you’ve got four areoli, which is something this reviewer has never seen in real life, and this reviewers job is to review, so that’s got to speak some ridiculous sort of volume right there, you know?
Bitch with Bitch – So let’s say you actually have a Dalmatian. If that’s the case you can forego the previous costume suggestion and move right on to this one, the far better one at that.
This is the bitch-with-a-bitch costume. You’ve already got a dog who can attract attention all on his or her own, why not add to the spectacle by painting your stuff up as a Dalmatian as well? Be an exponential bitch-couple, as it were. Really make the firemen stare.
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The Ideal Frog – In a perfect world everyone wishing to dress up as a frog should be so blessed as to look this good.
Also, if a man asks you what kind of condom to grab, you should tell him to “rib it”… okay, I’m done making bad puns for the month… but seriously, ribs, ribs & dots, make is something special, and don’t just have him inseminate your eggs after your gone, that’s just not right in humans no matter how they’re dressed.
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Frog Yuck – But if you’re the other kind of amphibious, the kind that only goes in to water because of the ease of floating, you can still dress up as a frog, it’s no problem. Bear in mind that without the webbed hands and young, pert amphibiboobies you may not get the same caliber of tadpoles swimming in your va-gerneral direction, but the door remains as open as mind.
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Zebra – You like animals, we’ve already established that, but what kind of dudes do you like? If you’re anything like me (except that I’m straight and attached as far as the random reader of this is concerned) you like ‘em black, you like ‘em white, you like I’m in between so long as they know you are the party and they’re invited to come.
Zebra – The only thing that says “I’ll hook up with anybody” more than a smattering of stripes to attract the black and the white, is cuddling with the pussy cat. Cats like tuna and so do you, even though you’re a zebra.
And as with any year, be safe and smart when trick or treating, turning tricks, stealing treats or otherwise spreading or taking your holiday joy.
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