What'd you say? You want an occupation? I got your occupation right here, buddy!
After 200 years of lackadaisical self-employment, the nation of Haiti is considering taking up a new occupation, likely from the United states.
"A full-time occupation will take away some of your day-to-day freedom, but there's a lot of benefits as well," says Mbangbar Whodoo, part-time Secretary of the Interior for Haiti. "Without good medical coverage, like you get with an occupation, it's really hard to get by when you have an accident like we just did."
"I know how they feel," says Tom Wilkes of Greensboro, North Carolina. "I quit my occupation for the sake of freedom. Made good money for a while too, spent time with my kids and all that. Next thing you know my neighbors have a quake, their stupid tsunami hits me, and I've got nothing. No medical [insurance], no unemployment pay and no L&I."
An anonymous source at the White House said, "We've been offering Haiti this occupation for thirty years, now they want it just because they've got a big insurance claim? That's the American way for sure. If they fill out their application properly, we will review it, but they'll probably get it anyway."
The official death toll from Haiti has yet to be finalized, but the word on the street is that U.S. occupation would be a welcome change. One man told Glossy News, "We've been a nation of soccer for so long, it will be nice to export baseball players legally, not making them climb [over] the mountain [to the Dominican Republic]."
Formal request for U.S. occupation is expected to be presented as early as next Tuesday.
