Public Eagerly Awaits Unprecedented Ice Cream Goodness - Ice cream giant Häagen-Dazs, creator of such well-loved flavors as Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough and Vanilla Fudge Swirl, stunned the industry yesterday with the surprise introduction of its new ass-flavored ice cream.
"Ass-flavored ice cream is an idea whose time has come," says Häagen-Dazs spokesman Charles Kruskal. "Häagen-Dazs has a history of bringing to life flavors that once only existed in our imaginations. Dulce de Leche. Chocolate Cheesecake. And now, perhaps the most delicious of them all: Ass."
The company launched the new ice cream with great fanfare at a special event it called "Ice Cream ASSpirations." Consumers, industry analysts and reporters alike were invited to taste the exciting new flavor.
Attendees agreed that the taste of the new ice cream was incredibly true to life. "I don't know how they did it. I'm, like, totally amazed," said Jamie Gordon, downing his third free cup of Häagen-Dazs' new product. "I mean, this stuff really tastes like ass."
Industry analysts reacted positively to the announcement, and Häagen-Dazs' stock rose three and a quarter points within a few hours. "This is a smart move on the company's part," remarked Arnold Freeman, chairman of the National Ice Cream Council. "It's surprising it hasn't happened sooner. After all, who among us doesn't crave the rich, distinctive flavor of ripe, delicious ass?"
Beaming at the positive response to his company's marketing coup, Kruskal declared, "Yep - Häagen-Dazs has done it again. It's Ass-tounding."
Not to be outdone, competitors quickly responded to Häagen-Dazs' announcement. Determined to maintain market share, Breyer's announced plans for several new ice cream flavors, including Positively Pus, Smegma Chocolate Chip and Nutsack Almond Crunch, as well as Wet Pussy yogurt. "Watch out, Häagen-Dazs," said Breyer's spokesman Jim Garrett. "We're ready for you. And we're going to kick your 'Ass.'"
