As the school motto says, "It's Never Too Early to Become the Prick You're Meant To Be".
New York, NY. - Seven year-old second grader Justin Falls was suspended for one day for helping a classmate with his homework, officials at the Ken Lay New School for Uncontrollable Greed reported.
“He'd been warned several times about helping others and had even been given a 'time out' for it,” said school official Judith Kravitz. “He'd also been lectured about his utter lack of public display of egotism, and had to be repeatedly encouraged to prey mercilessly on others as well. If his pattern of being helpful continues, we’ll have no choice but to transfer him to a public school where these kind of social flaws are encouraged."
Located on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, the New School requires a recommendation letter, resume, and an entry interview with any Fortune 100 CEO currently under indictment. The school’s ideals are education, ruthless advancement and economic domination through a total lack of personal morals.
“Our philosophy is social and business Darwinism,” said Kravitz. "Our methods teach students that in life, it's not enough to succeed, others must be crushed as well. The students learn to be highly competitive by first grade, or else."
Headmaster Ken Lay escorts special tutor Divine Knights to the boys dormitory for some intensive training in Advanced Negotiations and Social Skills.
The curriculum is rigorous: Untraceable Business Math, Subordinate Domination, Manipulative Social Maneuvering, Social Drug Skills, How to Spend Money Sinfully and Feel Great About It, Destroying Your Kid's Future, and others. Electives are varied, with the most popular being, "How To Make Yourself Out As a Victim After Tanking the Employee's 401K Money".
As for Justin, his future at the Ken Lay New School looks bleak. "It’s not for all children," said Kravitz. "I mean, the world need losers stuck in cubicles for the rest of their lives, too. After all, without them, who would pay for corporate orgies in Greece? Ha-ha-ha!"
A classmate of Justin’s who requested to remain anonymous, was familiar with his story.
“I had him picked as a looser from the first day of kindergarten,” said Ryan Granworth of Southold, Long Island. “He never wanted to go on the networking field trips to Tyco or the Federal minimum prisons...he'd rather go play in the park. The rest of us were working past midnight on keeping two sets of financial books, and he'd want a bedtime story. We’d be having cocktails at a class mixer, talking about the secretaries we'd be banging once we hit puberty, and he'd stay in and write letters to his parents, saying he was homesick. Freaking pussy."
