Perhaps the only thing that could make a seaside trip any less enjoyable would be the banning of sunscreen.
Waukegan, IL. - In what was regarded by beach authorities as a "great triumph," many small children whined obnoxiously last Friday when told that the Waukegan Municipal Beach (WMB) was no longer a place that allowed its patrons to have fun of any kind.
According to Richard Gotts, officer of beach safety at WMB, the decision to ban fun was prompted by "rising insurance costs" coupled with the fact that "average beach-goers are more than willing to participate in fun, merrymaking, and otherwise risky behavior that often results in highly expensive situations."
"Clearly," added Gotts, "this is for their own protection."
In addition to fun, patrons are also instructed to avoid running, jumping, swimming, playing, cavorting, revelry, having a time, having a "good" time, making a day of it, enjoying one's self, experiencing mirth, being amused, funny business, and above all, gaiety.
Clarissa Taylor, mother of three, has frequented the beach with her family for over ten years and is skeptical of the beach's new no-fun policy. "After standing in a queue for several hours, my family and I were briskly escorted two armed guards to a 12 foot by 12 foot square of sand where we were to sit quietly and as motionless as possible until our hour at the beach was up," said Taylor, describing the beach's new entrance procedure. "It really felt like something was missing, though I can't exactly say what."
While many patrons share these feelings, it is the WMB's position that such widespread discontent is just the sort of thing that will promote the glum and strictly uneventful beach-going experience they're trying to provide. "The complaining, the moping, and the boo-hooing are all great signs that the no fun policy is really working," said Peter Tuds, taskmaster at the WMB internment area. " People are having a boring, unpleasant, and most importantly, a well-monitored time."
In order to enforce the no fun policy, the WMB has constructed over fifty towers and bunkers that line the one mile of daily-groomed sand that makes up the beach. Each of these structures house up to four armed deathguards who are under strict orders to gun down merriment, or even potentially joyous situations.
"Fun is out there just waiting to happen, waiting to rear its ugly, smiling head" said death-private Bill Jerkins, stroking the nozzle M16A2 assault rifle. "Anyone who's gone through basic can handle your standard floating noodle, but if we get any kiddies building sand castles we've always got the F-16s to back us up."
Some critics of these enforcement tactics, who chose to remain anonymous for fear of their own lives, believe that having so much heavy weaponry on the beach will result in making the environment less safe than if fun were simply allowed. General Bud "Frisbee-Crusher" Manshaw, head of pre-sea operations, denies that this is the case, ensuring the public that all the brave men and women is service of the WMB are highly trained professionals who would sooner take a bullet to the chest than see a civilian harmed.
"We don't actually intend to shoot anyone," said Frisbee-Crusher. "Our mission is simply to create an oppressive environment in which fun is stamped out under our iron boot… for security reasons."
Earlier this month, two eight-year-olds were fired at while playing tic-tac-toe in the sand. "They weren't hit," said the boys' father, "but I'm pretty sure it ruined their game."
But it isn't all success stories. Much to the exasperation of the WMB, many patrons insist on having fun at virtually any cost. "It's like no matter how many beach balls we shoot out of the sky, another 4 are popping up in its place," said an anonymous deathguard. "I swear, sometimes it feels like the harder we enforce the rules, the more fun people have trying to break them."
In spite of these setbacks, the WMB is currently discussing the possibility of "forcibly assisting" other beaches with similar fun problems. "Waukegan beach sure is a hoot, but we all know it's small potatoes compared to say, Malibu, a place with real waves and genuine sunshine," said General Frisbee-Crusher. "We're pretty sure they're holding weapons of mass divertissement over there."
