The U.S.S. San Francisco limps back into port, damaged by a drunk driver.
At 12 noon Guam Time, Captain Joseph Hazelwood of the U.S.S. San Francisco (SSN 711) ("The Convenience Store Sub") managed to run his ship aground 350 miles south of Guam, injuring approximately 20 sailors, one of them critically. At this time, the submarine is running on the surface making best speed for Guam. Captain Joseph Hazelwood, the same Joseph Hazelwood of Exxon Valdez fame – or perhaps infamy – has been relieved of his duties pending a full investigation into the matter.
The $900 million submarine is home-ported at Apra Harbor, Guam, and was returning from routine exercises when the accident occurred. Launched October 27, 1979, this is the submarine’s first accident, occurring a mere three days after Captain Robert Turner turned over command of the sub to Captain Hazelwood. One might wonder how one manages to run aground a ship 360 feet long and 33 feet wide. The answer is simple, and involves the consumption of large amounts of alcohol.
It is a well established fact that Captain Hazelwood had been drinking the night that he ran the Exxon Valdez aground off of the pristine coast of Alaska. Well, apparently the good captain had been hitting the bottle again. Records kept by the galley indicate that Hazelwood finished off a fifth of bourbon, two bottles of tequila, one quart of gin, and the keg of Jaegermeister that had been shipped specially for the crew to drink upon homecoming. The grounding incident occurred soon thereafter.
“I thought we were goin’ kinda fast fer one little submarine,” drawled Hazelwood. “The sonar guy kept yelling at me, ‘bottom’s coming up, bottom’s coming up’ or at least, that’s what I know now. At the time, I thought that he was just yelling, ‘bottoms up!’”
Admiral King of the Pacific Fleet opined, “Perhaps we shouldn’t keep alcoholic beverages aboard ship from now on. I mean, if it can happen to Hazelwood, it can happen to anyone, right?”
The Exxon Valdez, Hazelwood's last command, is seen here after another drunken collision with an underwater obstacle.
“I’ve never seen anyone drink like that,” offered Petty Officer Robert Guiles. “I mean, everybody knows that the captain drinks, but man, talk about drinking like a freakin’ fish! I started having sympathetic liver pains just watching him at work. But he was a genius! They say not to mix your liquors, but he did it with ease. He finished all that and yet he was still up walkin’ and talkin’. If I had had even half of that I would have been passed out cold.”
The U.S.S. San Francisco will be departing for the San Diego Naval Station as soon as the submarine is deemed seaworthy and safe to make the passage. Captain Hazelwood will remain on administrative leave until the cause of the accident has been determined by a thorough investigation, likely to cost taxpayers upwards of one million dollars.
“Hey, while I’m out of commission, drinks are on me, okay?” said Hazelwood.
